From: (Stig Oppedal)
Subject: The 1995 Diego Awards
Date: Thu, 23 Mar 95 19:35:27 MDT

~ Live....from the Dorothy Chandler Pavillion in's the Diego
~ Awards..and here's tonight's host... Stig Oppedal!

 Hello, and welcome to the ceremony that celebrates the finest actors in the
 world of football. Named after the legendary Diego Armando Maradona, the
 "Diego" award is a gold replica of The Hand of God, and is given to the elite
 few worthy of a place in the Great Actors XI.

 I am honored to announce that the 1995 Diego Awards have gone to:

SEBASTIANO ROSSI (Italy) for his portrayal of a consumer's interest crusader
in "Brave Heart, Sore Bottom", the story that blows the lid off the
Mafia-infiltrated toilet paper industry. As Milan prepare to defend a corner in
the crucial game at Parma (11/93), Sebastiano is viciously struck to the ground
by a flying roll of toilet paper. When the intrepid keeper eventually regains
conciousness, his claims of tampered toilet paper are dismissed by the referee.
Bizarrely enough, the referee's presence seems to aggravate Sebastiono's
injury, as he winces and tenderly massages his neck whenever the man in black
is around.

Rossi's allegations later inspire a parlamentary investigation into the matter.
The Rossi Commission reveals that Italian toilet paper, as part of a Mafia
scheme to destablize Italian society, contains 34% lead.

ROY KEANE (Ireland) for his mercurial improvisation in "The 6 Million Dollar
Man". With the weight of a 3.75 million pound transfer fee making his initial
mediocre performances for Manchester United all the more frustrating, Roy comes
on as a substitute at Newcastle (12/93) with more steam than Gazza at an FA Cup
Final. Roy wildly hacks down a Newcastle striker at the edge of the penalty
box, and conventional wisdom suggests a quick retreat away from a potential
booking. Roy, however, takes it on the cuff and  charges with murderous intent
_towards_ the referee with arms flailing, while simultaneously yelling verbal
abuse with a swear-word/non swear-word ratio of 7:2. The referee falls for
Roy's temporary insanity ruse and lets him off with a "stern" warning.

ALESSANDRO COSTACURTA (Italy) for his supporting role in the remake of "Veni,
Vidi...Vidi...Vidi...". When the going gets tough, Alessandro gets going - for
his complimentary tickets to the VIP seats. It is in that position Alessandro
makes his mark on both AC Milan's European Cup Final and Italy's World Cup
Final, after receiving a yellow card too many in the respective semi-finals,
and it is there he wishes he had stayed for the 1994 World Club Championship -
first causing a penalty and then giving away a soft goal in a 2-0 defeat.
Normality is restored in the end, though, when the referee finally realizes
that Costacurta is actually _on the pitch_, whereupon the Italian jinxmeister
is promptly sent off.

Alessandro was not able to make it here tonight, so here to accept the "Diego"
on his behalf is Paul Gascoigne, the star of the original "Veni, Vidi...Vidi...

BRANCO (Brazil) for his outrageous pantomime performances, not least "...And
Finally I'd Like To Thank The Entire City Of Dallas (Literally)", the ultimate
acceptance speech parody. After hammering home the decisive 3-2 goal in
Brazil's WC quarter-final against Holland, Branco is substituted with a minute
of the game left. Leisurely strolling towards the touchline, the master of mime
insists on receiving personal congratulations from his teammates, the Dutch
players and the referee - seemingly oblivious of time and space!

The semi-final against Sweden featured the equally hilarious "When An
Irresistable Farce Meets An Immovable Object (Of Solid Air)". After running
down the touchline with a Swedish defender a meter in front of him, Branco
clumsily loses the ball. The Marcel Marceu of football then pulls off the
standard "invisible wall" schtick and falls back on his butt, appealing for
obstruction - though the only obstruction was that of sportsmanship.

Don't we all just love a mime!

GUILLERMO AMOR (Spain) for realistic method-acting in "Love Moves In Mysterious
Ways". With Barcelona leading 2-0 in a European Cup semi-final vs. Porto
(4/94), tempers flare and the ref is accomodating with the cards. From the
center circle, Amor charges towards goal, but loses control of the ball after
bypassing Porto's captain Joao Pinto. Suddenly, Amor falls. Not theatrically.
Not dramatically. Rather, his sombre, understated portrayal of a victim of an
illegal tackle owes more to Anthony Hopkins than to Steve Martin. His "down-to-
earth" performance eschews the spectacular in favor of the effective, and is
richly rewarded with Pinto's sending off - and a "Diego".

THOMAS BROLIN (Sweden) for his wacky antics in "Land of The Free, Home of The
Brave", his three-part tribute to the 1994 WC hosts.

The trilogy starts with "Babe Ruthless", a stirring homage to baseball. As
Thomas attempts to steal second base, he desperately flings himself forward,
sliding headfirst. The action, however, takes place not on a baseball diamond,
but on a football pitch, where Thomas has just prodded the ball too far past
the Romanian left-back Tibor Selymes.  Despite being as close to the Swede as
Havelange is to Pele, Selymes receives a yellow card, and his dream of a WC
semi-final disappears. Thomas's base steal is successful.

In the vigilante thriller "Two Men and A Baby", Thomas strikes again. After
unsuccessfully trying to take the ball from fellow "Diego" winner Branco,
Thomas takes the law into his own feet and viciously hacks the Brazilian down,
claiming "self-defense" in the best tradition of the American legal system.
Thomas argues his case by vigorously waving his elbow in the air, doing the
Funky Chicken as it has never been done before - apparently trying to indicate
"fowl" play from Branco. The referee doesn't swallow it, but still ducks a

Finally, in the ganster epos "Babyface", Thomas plays a psychopathic outlaw
hellbent on fighting the authorities. When caught poaching in an illegal
area in Brazilian territory, the vindictive criminal harrasses the official
responsible for his arrest. Society takes a dim view on such activities, and
metes out justice in the form of a long overdue yellow card, leaving Public
Enemy #1 to repeat - in a stony, Schwarzenegger manner - "Why? Why?".

He fought the Laws, and the Laws won.

 If this had been an official FIFA Awards Ceremony, you would have been treated
 to non-stop entertainment from Barry Manilow, The Bay City Rollers, The Osmond
 Brothers, and other top class stars. Unfortunately, our budget doesn't allow
 for such luxury, so instead, with a reworking of "Free Nelson Mandela", here
 are the Special A.K.A.!

~     Jaaa-ail Thomas Brolin
~     Jaaa-ail, jaaa-ail
~     Jail, jail, jail Thomas Brolin
~     24 years of dishonesty
~     Shoes too big, to be filled by his feet
~     His cheating excused, but his mind is thought-free
~     The ref's too blind, to ignore his plea
~     (I say) Jail Thomas Brolin
~     (I'm begging you) Jail Thomas Brolin
~     Pleading the causes of the Th.B.
~     Only one man, who'll use any means
~     Are you so blind that you cannot see
~     His shameless dive was a travesty
~     (I say) Jail Thomas Brolin
~     (I'm begging you) Jail Thomas Brolin
~     24 years of this mockery
~     Are you so blind that you cannot see
~     His dives so "deft", are very clumsy
~     He is so dumb, that he should not go - scot-free
~     Jail Thomas Brolin
~     (I'm begging you) Jail Thomas Brolin
~     I'm begging you, begging you, please

 We'll be back after a word from our sponsor, Graham & Hauge Imported Goods,
 Ltd - "Unsolicitated gifts are our speciality."

From: (Stig Oppedal)
Subject: The 1995 Diego Awards [2/2]
Date: Fri, 24 Mar 95 14:45:08 MDT

Welcome back! The remaining places in the second Great Actors XI go to:

DIEGO MARADONA (Argentina) for his leading role in the conspiracy classic
"The Nose of God II: Judgement Day". Maradona stars as the Argentinian Messiah
destined to lead his country to WC victory, thus thwarting the plans of a
powerful cartel who have rigged the tournement in Brazil's favor. This
dastardly cartel - compromising such forces of evil as the Mafia, the CIA, Pink
Floyd, Joao Havelange, and the League of SitCom Producers - hands the problem
of neutralizing Maradona to their secret agent, Elvis Presley. The King of Rock
'n Roll instructs Tonya Harding and O.J. Simpson to kidnap Maradona and pump
him full of illegal nasal spray, thus ensuring the Messiah's disgraceful WC
exit through a failed drugs test.

Maradona's acting is first-rate, and his monologues are impressive:"I swear on
the souls of my - hey, shut up! - ... on the souls of my daughters, I am - shut
up!- ...I am innocent." The audiences, however, felt that the plot was too
improbable, and "The Nose of God II" bombed everywhere outside of Argentina.
The producers therefore made a new ending, where Maradona boldly admits that
the positive drugs test is his dietician's fault.

JAHN IVAR "MINI" JAKOBSEN (Norway) for his stand-up comedy routine "Those
Cheating Bastards!". Rosenborg were cruising towards their usual League and
Cup Double when they stumbled to a 2-1 defeat at arch-rivals Molde in the first
leg of the Cup semi-finals. Their sore-loser response was to accuse Molde of
brutality, sabotage and cheating (i.e. "How ELSE could they beat us?") -
conveniently forgetting the yellow card Mini received for cynically scoring a
"goal" with his fist. When asked if Rosenborg would retaliate with destructive
play, an indignant Mini Jakobsen replied: "We won't allow ourselves to stoop to
Molde's dishonest level".

Mini's attempts at one-touch are sadly enough not as succesful as his attempts
at one-liners.

CLAUDIO CANIGGIA (Argentina) for his desperate performance in "Snowblind".
Claudio gets kicked down by the Nigerian defender Mike Emanalo, who also
accidentally steps on Claudio's arm, causing the Argentinian to clutch his
_face_ in agony. The team beautician rushes on to restore his good looks, but
the psychological blow of seeing the culprit only receive a yellow card hampers
Claudio's recovery, and his agony intensifies. After prolonged treatment,
Claudio puts a brave face on it and rejoins the living.

Claudio's acting skills earns him not only a "Diego", but also the Yellow
Badge of Courage, promptly awarded by the Swedish referee.

MARK BRIGHT (England) for his role as a "down-and-out" martial arts expert in
"Kung Fu Fever". Eric Cantona's seminal "Kung Fu Philosopher" sparks off
a kung fu revival, and the French auteur announces that the Sheffield Wednesday
vs. Arsenal match (2/95) will be an audition for the role of "John Fashanu" in
his next masterpiece ("Kung Fu Comeback", to be made after the upcoming "Kung
Fu Incarceration"). Mark is eager to land this role, and during the audition he
repeatedly demonstrates his impressive elbow-jabbing skills on Tony Adams.
Tony, seeking to bring this to the attention of "Kung Fu Comeback"'s producer,
jabs his elbow in the air, unaware that Mark is standing behind him . Thinking
for a brief moment that he is auditioning for "The Don King Guide To Profitable
Boxing", Mark goes down like a sack of potatoes. The green-clad producer has
found his man, and he rushes over and hands the red-colored contract to an
astonished Tony Adams, who eagerly runs off the pitch to begin life as a kung
fu superstar.

Life, it seems, imitates not art, but bad kung fu.

JUERGEN KLINSMANN (Germany), who receives a Lifetime Achievement Award. In the
tradition of Johnny Weissmuller and Esther Williams, Juergen has literally used
his athletic abilities as a springboard to a career in acting. He featured in
such early German expressionistic movies as "Stuttgarter Kickers 0, Stuttgarter
Divers 1", before appearing in the neorealistic Italian production "La Scala"
as a punk rock stage-diver (with soundtrack by The Fall). Further success came
on his return to the Milanese theater in 1994, when he stirred the emotions of
fans worldwide as the crippled footballer in "San Siro Sans Crutches" (co-
starring Alessandro Costacurta).

Not just another pretty fake, Juergen also acted in the tearjerker "Haunted By
The Past", portraying an outraged assault victim unable to convince the
authorities of his grievances. Juergen is currently starring as a reformed
character in "The White Heart of White Hart", and in the future he is set to
take over Ted Danson's role in the TV series "Cheers", playing a retired
athlete in charge of a shabby dive.

 A special "Diego" for management goes to:

GRAHAM TAYLOR (England) for the x-rated "Grace Under Fucking Pressure". This
pornographic filthfest contains screwed grammatics, masochistic scenes from
Rotterdam, vegetables used for immoral purposes, bestiality (including abuse of
Graham Taylor's right-hand parrot (i.e. Phil Neal)), necrophilia (floggings of
several dead horses), and more exclamations of "Fuck me!" than the average Long
Dong Silver porn movie. It's a dirty job, but somebody had to do it.

 There was extremely tough competition for the Erik Fredriksson Award For World
 Cup Refereeing, and we are proud to announce that the award has gone to:

ARTURO BRIZIO CARTER (Mexico) for the trilogy "Acapulco Carter and The Raiders
of the Lost Art (of Refereeing)". Arturo plays a referee-cum-archeologist
hellbent on catching the last plane to Athens after the Italy vs Nigeria game,
in order to rendevouz with his sweet baboo. To accomplish this, he must ensure
that the dastards from FIFA do not condemn him to further WC assignments.

In "The Idiocy", a merry comedy, Arturo unveils his cunning plan: as a tribute
to the sun god Appollo and the nine Muses, he will hand out exactly one red
card and nine yellow. The cards must be dealt out at regular intervals, leading
to many hilarious situations: Dino Baggio barely touches a Nigerian and
receives one of the yellow cards, then kicks an opponent and receives nought.
Arturo's motto is "I will expell no slime before it's time".

That time evidently comes during "The Gorgon Zola", an epic tragedy. The
substitute Gianfranco Zola is shoved down by Eguavoen in the penalty area, but
his appeals are denied by Arturo. Zola picks himself up, chases the Nigerian
defender and cleanly tackles him - but Eguavoen is turned to stone and falls
down, petrified by the horrible, gorgonlike gaze of Zola. The brave Arturo
flashes the red symbol of Appollo, and the dread Zola is banished to Hades,
muttering "Io accuso!" on the way.

The final act, "Orpheus and Eurydice", is a somre melodrama about two lovers
allowed to leave Hades, under the warning that if they look back before passing
the Gate of Hades, Eurydice's soul will be reclaimed. Paolo Maldini and Rashidi
Yekini re-enact this classic tale, running arm in arm, alone, towards the Gate,
when suddenly Maldini trips, dragging his beloved down with him. Yekini forgets
the warning, looks back, and is condemned to Hades when Arturo merely flashes
a yellow card - the last one - to Maldini.

In the end Arturo blows his merry whistle in honor of Pan and sparks off a
bacchanal celebration among the Italian supporters.

 And finally, the Dutch Courage Award for the best unfinished production goes

JOHAN CRUIJFF, RUUD GULLIT and MARCO VAN BASTEN (Holland) for their work on
the ill-fated Kieslowski homage "Drie Kleuren: Oranje". Johan Cruijff was
originally set to star as the Messiah who, after years in the desert, leads the
World Cup trophy to the promised land. The moody maestro pulled out, declaring
that the proposed billing "Starring Johan Cruijff as 'God'" was blasphemical -
"Johan Cruijff _is_ God" was more to his tastes. Ruud Gullit took over, then
left when he found out he was cast not as God, but only as one of the 22
disciples. Marco van Basten then humbly announced "I'll play the Messiah!", but
contractual obligations forced him to drop "Oranje" and instead co-star with
Cruijff and Gullit in "Home Alone 3".

"Oranje" was later completely reworked into the spaghetti western "Slowdown At
The CB Corral", featuring Dennis Bergkamp as Don Quixote and Ronald Koeman as
his trusted sidekick Speedy Gonzalez.

 Let's hear a round of applause for all our worthy winners!