From: P Kolakovic
Date: 2000/08/11 
Subject: Croatia's Petar Kolakovic makes his triumphant return to RSS 

TORONTO, Aug 11 (Reuters) - After a lengthy absence from Usenet's
"" newsgroup, Petar Kolakovic has finally returned. RSS
regulars might remember him from his witty and insightful contributions
to the weekly Serie A thread and his tendency to flatulate whenever
someone mentions the name "David Beckham".  

Reached at his Toronto home, Kolakovic was asked whether he believes
he'll be able to successfully reintegrate himself into the busy and
often volatile newsgroup. "Piece of cake," he replied. "As long as Lech
is still baiting posters with such inane topics as ***Why America
sucks***, and ***How the glorious Polish nation single-handedly defeated
Fascism AND Communism!!!***; and as long as Barry continues to post any
and every article he finds with the word "Croatia" in it, thereby
annoying every real football fan in the group and using RSS as a
propaganda tool to further his nationalistic aims, I'll do just fine,"
he said with a smile.

Kolakovic, born in Canada to Croatian immigrants, is especially animated
on the issue of nationality as it relates to football, a topic much
discussed on RSS. "Actually it doesn't bother me all that much. Sure,
Barry might post a little propaganda here and there, but what's wrong
with propaganda? The Nazis sure used it to great effect," he stated,
suddenly bursting into a heartwarming rendition of "Deutchland,
Deutchland, Uber Alles".

"We all know Viduka is really Croatian, and if he's not, then he's
probably a homosexual anyway and we want nothing to do with him," was
Kolakovic's response when pressed about the ongoing debate about the
Austalian-born player's true nationality. 

Asked where his own loyalties lay, Kolakovic had to think for a minute.
"If you asked me that question two years ago, there's no doubt that I'd
say Croatia. Suker's got that Golden Boot, you know, and as Blazevic
keeps reminding everyone, 'We're the third best team in the world', even
if we didn't qualify for Euro2000 (our players probably needed some time
off anyway - I heard that Ladic wanted to work on his tan). 

"Hell, when a country's best player is Paul Peschisolido, something has
to be wrong. But then Holger Osieck came along and turned things around,
and Canada suddenly found itself as the North American champion. So if I
had the chance to play for one or the other right now, it would be a
difficult decision. 

"Unless we were talking about hockey. Of course I imagine that it must
be different for every sport. If I was a cricket player I'd definitely
want to play for India. Yes, I'd change my name to Rajwinder or
Balpinder, or better yet, what's the name of that guy on The Simpsons?
Apu? Yeah, that's it. Then again, I've heard that Cubans are pretty good
in baseball, so maybe I'd go there. I've read Che Guevara's biography
and I smoke the occasional cigar - what more could they ask for? So
anyway, I think the answer to the original question is Nepal. My loyalty
is definitely with Nepal."

Kolakovic was asked if there was any point to his bizzare rant. "What
makes you think there's a point to it?"

He also hopes that the RSS "regulars" are still around. "I still receive
Benny's emails, so I know he's lurking around here somewhere. Doesn't
that guy have a life anyway? How can he afford to watch so much damn
football, and then have the time to compose match reports to boot!?!?!?!
I swear, he must be the illegitimate child of someone in the royal
family. Wouldn't he have a job otherwise?" Asked about his own
unemployment, Kolakovic replied, "Shut up".

"I hope Paul's around too. He always has something useful to say, even
if he is an Inter fan. No one's perfect, you know. 

"Zlata's posts are always interesting to read as well, even if she does
spend half her time discussing the Romanian league. I actually derive
comfort from knowing that there is a league in Europe which is even more
corrupt than Croatia's. I bet she's cute too."

Any predictions for the upcoming (and in many countries, already in
progress) football season? "Suker will continue to ride the pines at
West Ham, even after scoring a number of quality goals. I can already
see Barry's spin as the story is carried across the world's newswires --
***Croatia's Davor Suker enjoys the fresh feel of a new bench underneath
his golden ass***