========================== Subject: MLS drinking game From: email@example.com (munch) Date: May 16, 1996 MLS drinking game The MLS drinking game has been developed in order to make the league season a little more exciting and fun. To go with the good of the league, we must put up with the bad. This game definetely punishes the viewer of a match, the drinker, for matters on the pitch. All you need to play is plenty of beer, an MLS game on tv, and a few of your best mates to watch and join you as you all get thoroughly inebriated. Overall, this was designed for the average college student's need to have an excuse to drink mass quantities of beer and have fun doing it in the fashion of old style drinking games like 3 man and Asshole. If you have any additions, feel free to add them because it does need some work in some places. For players on the field of play: If a player, players, or team(s): dribbles, takes on man, and loses the ball- one drink overruns the ball whilst dribbling - two drinks dribbles and is caught in possession by the other team- five drinks ...and gives a scoring opportunity - ten drinks ...and gives up a goal - one beer dribbles and loses the ball to a teammate by miscommunication - five drinks dribbles out of bounds - ten drinks has a misskick/misspass - one drink passes the ball to no one (not to open space) - two drinks passes the ball out of bounds - five drinks passes the ball to the opposing team - ten drinks ...and they score - one beer shoot the ball wide/high - one drink shoots the ball 10 yards wide/high - five drinks shoots the ball 20 yards wide/high - ten drinks shoots the ball over the sideline for a throw-in - one beer shoots and misses the ball - one beer shoots the ball into his own goal - two beers misstraps the ball - one drink complains to the ref - two drinks is offside - two drinks dives - two drinks ...and acts injured - five drinks ...gets up, and walks without a limp -ten drinks ...gets up, and walks with a limp - one beer ...and is carried off on a stretcher - one beer spits - five drinks loses the ball in the sun - five drinks gets a yellow card - five drinks commits a foul - five drinks is substituted for overall bad play - ten drinks commits a foul throw in - ten drinks gets a red card - one beer (2 yellows = 1 red; 1 beer and 10 drinks) fights - one beer if you cannot pronounce the names of an entire team's starting 11 - one beer Double the drinks if a US national team or marquee player commits the bad play or is a part of it. For bad announcer: If the announcer(s): says something about a sponsor - one drink mispronounces a player's name - three drinks mistakes one player for another - five drinks talks about a player's college, former club, national team, or little league team - ten drinks is Tye Keough - drink one beer because he is an idiot explains a rule of soccer wrong - ten drinks ...and it is Tye Keough - drink one beer says something stupid like if someone else would have scored, someone else could have won - ten drinks ...and it is Tye Keough - one beer asks Tye Keough about his glory days playing soccer - drink two beers and God save us For ugly fans in the stands: If a fan(s): is not wearing a shirt - one drink for every one is a child and is wearing a silly wig - five drinks is an adult and is wearing a silly wig - ten drinks ...and it is actually their real hair - one beer doesn't look like they can speak a word of english - five drinks actually speaks a foreign language to the camera - ten drinks For idiot camera men: If a camera man: misses the action because of a close up on a non-involved player on the field - one drink misses the action because of a close up on a non-involved player on the sideline - two drinks misses the action because of a close up of a coach - five drinks misses the action because of a close up of the crowd - ten drinks misses the action because of a replay - ten drinks misses the action because of a close up of an announcer - one beer ...and it is Tye Keough - two beers For the teams: Los Angeles: every time someone besides Jorge Campos takes a goal-kick - one drink every time Jorge Campos throws the ball instead of punting it - two drinks every time there is a remark about Jorge Campos' kit - five drinks every time there is a remark about Cobi Jones' dreadlocks - five drinks every time Shue's acting career is mentioned - ten drinks every time Shue fucks up on the field - one beer New England: every time Lalas' hair is mentioned - five drinks ...goatee - ten drinks ...band, the Gypsies - a beer every time I (or you ) wish Lalas would roll over and die - a keg every time the announcers do not mention how Alan Shearer shoved 2 goals down Lalas' throat in '94 after he was talking shit about Alan - the whole Anheuser-Busch brewery Tampa: every time there is a remark about Valderamma's hair - five drinks every time Kooiman kicks, punches, jumps on, bites, or elbows another player - ten drinks every time you see Kooiman and Valderamma and wish they would do something else with their hair - one beer San Jose: every time Crazy George is shown on tv - five drinks every time a Queen song is being played in the background at the stadium - ten drinks Columbus: every time Paz is offside - five drinks besides the two for being offside every time the fans storm the pitch after the match (because you are not there!) - ten drinks D.C.: every time the University of Virginia is mentioned - five drinks every time the number of soccer titles they have won is mentioned - ten drinks every time Bruce Arena is called a stud because of the title - one beer because they are a shitty team even though they beat Columbus 5-2 (Brucie, go back to Virginia ) - one beer Kansas City: every time the Wiz is mentioned ( huh, huh, he said wiz) - five drinks every time you hear the chant, _ding, dong, the wiz is dead_ (not witch; that stupid Wizard of Oz crap) - ten drinks --------------------------------------------- From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Ariel Mazzarelli) Subject: Re: MLS drinking game Date: May 27, 1996 Excellent idea, and I see that you have given some serious thought to the issues involved. I'd just cut down on the number of drinks you have to consume for each of the things that you mentioned (otherwise the game is just too expensive, I mean, you're talking two kegs per capita). Other rules to consider: If a viewer asks to switch from Univision to ESPN, he downs the beer. If Longo is unable to restrain a moaning sound during the broadcast, everybody drinks. If a viewer likes the purple and green ball, he downs the beer. If a viewer says that Cobi Jones has blazing speed, he downs the beer. This game has potential, and I suspect we could all be strung up for corrupting the youth (that's what they got Socrates with, btw). Take care, Ariel ====================================== From: email@example.com (Colin Morris) Subject: Re: MLS drinking game Date: May 28, 1996 How about some refereeing ones:- Referee frantically waves his arms about to stop stadium clock and get five seconds added back on, one beer. Referee yellow cards player for over-exuberant goal celebration, one beer. Cleats up, potentially shin-shattering tackle results in warning or yellow card from referee when it warrants an automatic red card, one beer. "Shootout":- as many beers as you like to drown out the ensuing nonsense... =========================================== From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Stephen Brand) Subject: Re: MLS drinking game Date: May 28, 1996 Regrettably, due to the practical problems of acquiring and consuming mass quantities of beer that Ariel calls attention to, the game probably could not accomodate the following oddities of ESPN coverage: 1. The ball is in play on the side nearest the camera, but is obscured by some hideous graphic on the lower part of the screen tallying the number of times that each side spat on the pitch in the first half. Graphic will vanish only when the ball suddenly re-appears in the penalty area of your team. 1 gulp. 2. ESPN commentators take a cerebral promenade down memory lane, oblivious to steady midfield build up play that threatens to escalate into offensive onslaught. 3 gulps. 3. Player gives polite ESPN interview at the half, interview ends, camera stays on player for several seconds with the sound off, player's demeanour undergoes a remarkable change as he appears to be mouthing obscenities at the world in general ..... 5 gulps. 4. Odd camera work during the ESPN half-time show on Youth Soccer makes some innocent U-8 side look like "Village of the Damned" meets "Lord of the Flies"... 10 gulps.