From: Riffster Subject: Monty Python All-Time Keepers Poll (Announcing - drum roll, castanets and flugelhorn here....) Date: 15 November 2001 There have been many an All-Eleven in RSS history but I think the last Monty Python thread should start the definitive all-time Eleven. Time for the candidates (drawn from the recent MP thread.....first installment - the Larch. Ooops - I mean - first installment - the Keepers! (yeah, that's right...) So far the following are nominated: Keeper: Richelieu - a thinking man's, er, thinking man. No one knows if he is a good keeper. He doesn't know if he is a good keeper. In fact he questions the word "keeper", although he likes the word "goal". I would prefer Kant or Heidegger myself - although Toni Schumacher's original role model Friedrich Nietzsche can't be ignored. Gervaise Brook-Hampster - anyone who is used as a wastebasket should serve quite well as a keeper. Well, actually very poorly, especially if opponents insist on missing the "wastebasket" when they shoot. Fortunately most opponents that the MP Eleven would play would probably intentionally shoot at the keeper and I don't mean with a ball.
There goes Brook-Hampster to the strains of the Funeral March.... Tarquin Fin-tim-lin-bin-whin-bim-lim bus stop F'tang F'tang Ole Biscuitbarrel - Silly Party candidate and quite possibly the most underrated keeper in the History of His Own Mind. Would have the advantage of frightening most opponents into incontinence. Would also result in the premature retirement of any stadium announcers unlucky enough to have him (it) walk onto their pitch. So there's your keepers. The votes are being scientifically tabulated as you read this by an elite (pronounced "I-Leet") group of Florida state election officials. Next post - Defenders - time for anyone who isn't already medicated to see that they are heavily sedated....... - Paul "Argle Bargle Morf Swoosh" Mettewie ================================================================= From: Riffster Subject: Monty Python All-Time Defenders Poll (continuing with irritating music....) Date: 15 November 2001 There have been many an All-Eleven in RSS history but I think the last Monty Python thread should start the definitive all-time Eleven. Time for the candidates (drawn from the recent MP thread.....second installment - the Larch. Ooops - I mean - second installment - the Defenders! (yeah, that's right...) T.F./R.J./Brain Specialist Gumby - not the brightest bulb on the Broadway if you get my drift, and I know I don't....anyway, he isn't a smart chap, but he is determined - to do what, nobody knows, especially him. But he is there, or maybe here, well, he "is", or maybe not....can have an advantage because he often carries a brick, which would mean at least one of that couple would have some brains that didn't hurt and maybe worked from time to time. Which one of that couple? Come on - don't pin me down on this! It hurts to think! Ken Shabby - a suspect individual - a HIGHLY suspect individual (and I am destroying the word individual by comparing Ken Shabby to it....but he has already demonstrated a certain aptitude for dirty work (public lavatories....) and has even been promoted so he can use a brush. Could be an effective stopper - as most people coming within twenty meters of him keel over unconscious. Dennis Moore - Dennis Moore. Dennis Moore! Dum de dum dum. He gives to the poor and takes from the rich dum de dum dum de dum dum de dum - should be able to stop any attacker, provided they are carrying lupins with them. Practices every day, or almost every day, very decisive or almost very decisive. Dum de dum, dum de dum, dum, dum, dum...... Luigi Vercotti - still on the ballot despite my manglement (?) of his last name - which is more than I can say for the health of many clients (see Obvious, Ron) of Mr. Vercotti. Smokes, so don't expect a full ninety from him, but is known to make some deals, er, tackles, with some players, though not necessarily the opponent. Has a lot of faith in his ability to make other people attempt impossible tasks so he might be a pretty devious defender, or maybe just pretty devious. The Piranha Brothers - I didn't have the courage to ask them what positions they should play, nor even if they had ever played soccer. Doug and Dinsdale and Dinsdale (remember he was born several hours after Doug and then a week after that too...) are "vicious but fair" defenders who may be a bit of a risk to go into the match official's book. Last game they sawed the legs off of the entire opposing midfield and earned a verbal caution for that. Only when they nailed the center forward's head to the crossbar did they go into the book. But they avoided a sending off by stitching the referee's legs (and arms) together. Cardinal Ximinez - part of the famed trio of defenders (maybe they were offenders, I guess it depends whether you are Catholic....) "The Spanish Inquisition". A little indecisive about things - or maybe he just can't count. Somewhat bogged down by wearing a Cardinal's cassock, but makes up for it with zeal - a LOT of zeal. Not much intelligence, but we haven't been assembling a think tank here, just a footy side...... Cardinal Biggles - the somewhat outshined member of the "SI" - he can be counted on to support Ximinez except when it comes to supporting him - equally as forgetful but certainly not lacking for zeal and, and, and, he certainly has a lot of zeal! If you happen to have him marking you in a match, I hope you're Catholic, otherwise get ready for the Comfy Chair (gasp!) Somewhat hindered by wearing goggles, but hey, did I tell you he has a lot of zeal? Cardinal Fang - grabs a lot of headlines for outrageous overacting, but we have to have a diver or two on the team, even if it is on the defense. Can be counted to laugh diabolically and uses the weapon of fear and a bunch of other stuff that he may or not remember he has at his disposal. Don't hold the fact he is an American against him - he already has enough of a handicap by having what he calls a brain. Remember to hurry in your votes - write in's are valid as long as they leave a hanging Chad (sounds painful, as in "Do you remember that hanging Chad I had while we were on vacation in Puerto Vallarta? Damn, it was almost as bad as that case of lumbaego....) So hurry and vote (vote early and often as we say in Chicago) as our crack(ed) team of Florida voting inspectors are now into their third fifth (or maybe sixth fourth) of Kentucky bourbon. - Paul "Joining them soon - or maybe I already did" Mettewie =================================================================== From: Riffster Subject: Monty Python's All-Time Forwards Poll (thank heavens, weeping begins to fade....) Date: 15 November 2001 There have been many an All-Eleven in RSS history but I think the last Monty Python thread should start the definitive all-time Eleven. Time for the candidates (drawn from the recent MP thread.....fourth or possibly ten zillionth installment - the Lupin. Come on - I only cut and pasted just a bit from the other posts - I didn't plagiarize too much outside of that except for what I took word for word from Python, and maybe a bit from War and Peace and several chapters of the Satanic Verses, but never mind.....FINALLY, it is time for the last and fourth installment - the Blancmange! (maybe it is the Forwards? Ja?) Jimmy Buzzard - really a midfielder, but converted by one of my mentally-challenged posting brethren (okay - I didn't mean it, you aren't challenged, just confused....) into a forward. Another guy who was left in the waiting room when they were handing out brains at birth. Jimmy is proud of the fact he is opening a boutique and remains perpetually stunned that he looks up from time to time during the match and "finds the ball in the back of the net." How it got there he hasn't an idea, but results are what counts. One of Benny's favorite finishers - J.B. is fully capable of shredding even the most packed defense with his rapier style, even if he does do a pretty good imitation of a doorstop in terms of intelligence. (The) Bishop - seems to be everywhere and nowhere, his game doesn't have a beginning nor an end, and his middle is a well-guarded secret that you have to spend time in a seminary to understand, much less emulate. Surprisingly tough for a man of the cloth, he seems to stamp out injustice wherever he goes - now only if he would bother to score a goal now and then, we might have a pretty good side here! Seems to always arrive a bit late - his timing could be improved. Benny wouldn't like his finishing much either - leaves too much to chance. Mr. Bertenshaw - Me doctor. No, me doctor, you Bertenshaw. My wife doctor. No your wife patient. AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!! No idea why I nominated Mr. Bertenshaw. I don't even know if he plays the game. I am simply at wit's end. Or maybe I never got to wit's beginning (grumbles from the RSS crowd grow....) I need a drink, or failing that, a frontal lobotomy.... Simon-Zinc-Trumpet-Harris - married to a very attractive table lamp. Which is something various English footy types are wont to do - for example a certain "phenom" from Manc-land who married a singing table lamp. But Simon has more going for him than his mate - what it is I don't exactly know but you can bet he does, because someone will bet on what he does, even it if has nothing to do with footy - which betting doesn't unless you make money on it in which case please send me some as I have lost my mind writing these four posts and don't anticipate being released until the 2006 WC, if then. So send in your quid, and maybe a few votes, to the following address: The BBC, c/o E. F. Lutt, 18 Rupee Buildings, West 12 - Paul "Moving to Montana" Mettewie ====================================================================