From: Riffster
Subject: Monty Python All-Time Keepers Poll (Announcing - drum roll, castanets and flugelhorn here....)
Date: 15 November 2001

There have been many an All-Eleven in RSS history but I
think the last Monty Python thread should start the definitive
all-time Eleven. Time for the candidates (drawn from the
recent MP thread.....first installment - the Larch. Ooops -
I mean - first installment - the Keepers! (yeah, that's right...)

So far the following are nominated:


Richelieu - a thinking man's, er, thinking man. No one knows if he
is a good keeper. He doesn't know if he is a good keeper. In fact
he questions the word "keeper", although he likes the word "goal".
I would prefer Kant or Heidegger myself - although Toni
Schumacher's original role model Friedrich Nietzsche can't be

Gervaise Brook-Hampster - anyone who is used as a wastebasket
should serve quite well as a keeper. Well, actually very poorly,
especially if opponents insist on missing the "wastebasket" when
they shoot. Fortunately most opponents that the MP Eleven would
play would probably intentionally shoot at the keeper and I don't
mean with a ball.  There goes Brook-Hampster to the
strains of the Funeral March....

Tarquin Fin-tim-lin-bin-whin-bim-lim bus stop F'tang F'tang Ole
Biscuitbarrel - Silly Party candidate and quite possibly the most
underrated keeper in the History of His Own Mind. Would have
the advantage of frightening most opponents into incontinence. Would
also result in the premature retirement of any stadium announcers
unlucky enough to have him (it) walk onto their pitch.

So there's your keepers. The votes are being scientifically tabulated
as you read this by an elite (pronounced "I-Leet") group of Florida
state election officials.

Next post - Defenders - time for anyone who isn't already medicated
to see that they are heavily sedated.......

- Paul "Argle Bargle Morf Swoosh" Mettewie


From: Riffster
Subject: Monty Python All-Time Defenders Poll (continuing with irritating music....)
Date: 15 November 2001

There have been many an All-Eleven in RSS history but I
think the last Monty Python thread should start the definitive
all-time Eleven. Time for the candidates (drawn from the
recent MP thread.....second installment - the Larch. Ooops -
I mean - second installment - the Defenders! (yeah, that's right...)

T.F./R.J./Brain Specialist Gumby - not the brightest bulb on the
Broadway if you get my drift, and I know I don't....anyway, he isn't
a smart chap, but he is determined - to do what, nobody knows,
especially him. But he is there, or maybe here, well, he "is", or maybe
not....can have an advantage because he often carries a brick, which
would mean at least one of that couple would have some brains
that didn't hurt and maybe worked from time to time. Which one of
that couple? Come on - don't pin me down on this! It hurts to think!

Ken Shabby - a suspect individual - a HIGHLY suspect individual
(and I am destroying the word individual by comparing Ken Shabby
to it....but he has already demonstrated a certain aptitude for dirty
work (public lavatories....) and has even been promoted so he can
use a brush. Could be an effective stopper - as most people coming
within twenty meters of him keel over unconscious.

Dennis Moore  - Dennis Moore. Dennis Moore! Dum de dum dum.
He gives to the poor and takes from the rich dum de dum dum de
dum dum de dum - should be able to stop any attacker, provided
they are carrying lupins with them. Practices every day, or almost
every day, very decisive or almost very decisive. Dum de dum, dum
de dum, dum, dum, dum......

Luigi Vercotti - still on the ballot despite my manglement (?) of his
last name - which is more than I can say for the health of many clients
(see Obvious, Ron) of Mr. Vercotti. Smokes, so don't expect a full
ninety from him, but is known to make some deals, er, tackles, with
some players, though not necessarily the opponent. Has a lot of faith
in his ability to make other people attempt impossible tasks so he might
be a pretty devious defender, or maybe just pretty devious.

The Piranha Brothers - I didn't have the courage to ask them what
positions they should play, nor even if they had ever played soccer.
Doug and Dinsdale and Dinsdale (remember he was born several
hours after Doug and then a week after that too...) are "vicious but
fair" defenders who may be a bit of a risk to go into the match official's
book. Last game they sawed the legs off of the entire opposing midfield
and earned a verbal caution for that. Only when they nailed the center
forward's head to the crossbar did they go into the book. But they
avoided a sending off by stitching the referee's legs (and arms) together.

Cardinal Ximinez - part of the famed trio of defenders (maybe they were
offenders, I guess it depends whether you are Catholic....) "The Spanish
Inquisition". A little indecisive about things - or maybe he just can't
Somewhat bogged down by wearing a Cardinal's cassock, but makes
up for it with zeal - a LOT of zeal. Not much intelligence, but we haven't
been assembling a think tank here, just a footy side......

Cardinal Biggles - the somewhat outshined member of the "SI" - he can
be counted on to support Ximinez except when it comes to supporting
him - equally as forgetful but certainly not lacking for zeal and, and,
and, he certainly has a lot of zeal! If you happen to have him marking
you in a match, I hope you're Catholic, otherwise get ready for the Comfy
Chair (gasp!) Somewhat hindered by wearing goggles, but hey, did I
tell you he has a lot of zeal?

Cardinal Fang - grabs a lot of headlines for outrageous overacting, but
we have to have a diver or two on the team, even if it is on the defense.
Can be counted to laugh diabolically and uses the weapon of fear and
a bunch of other stuff that he may or not remember he has at his disposal.
Don't hold the fact he is an American against him - he already has enough
of a handicap by having what he calls a brain.

Remember to hurry in your votes - write in's are valid as long as they
leave a hanging Chad (sounds painful, as in "Do you remember that
hanging Chad I had while we were on vacation in Puerto Vallarta?
Damn, it was almost as bad as that case of lumbaego....)

So hurry and vote (vote early and often as we say in Chicago) as our
crack(ed) team of Florida voting inspectors are now into their third
fifth (or maybe sixth fourth) of Kentucky bourbon.

- Paul "Joining them soon - or maybe I already did" Mettewie


From: Riffster
Subject: Monty Python's All-Time Forwards Poll (thank heavens, weeping begins to fade....)
Date: 15 November 2001

There have been many an All-Eleven in RSS history but I
think the last Monty Python thread should start the definitive
all-time Eleven. Time for the candidates (drawn from the
recent MP thread.....fourth or possibly ten zillionth installment
- the Lupin. Come on - I only cut and pasted just a bit from the
other posts - I didn't plagiarize too much outside of that except
for what I took word for word from Python, and maybe a bit from
War and Peace and several chapters of the Satanic Verses, but
never mind.....FINALLY, it is time for the last and fourth installment -
the Blancmange! (maybe it is the Forwards? Ja?)

Jimmy Buzzard - really a midfielder, but converted by one of my
mentally-challenged posting brethren (okay - I didn't mean it, you
aren't challenged, just confused....) into a forward. Another guy
who was left in the waiting room when they were handing out brains
at birth. Jimmy is proud of the fact he is opening a boutique and
remains perpetually stunned that he looks up from time to time during
the match and "finds the ball in the back of the net." How it got there
he hasn't an idea, but results are what counts. One of Benny's favorite
finishers - J.B. is fully capable of shredding even the most packed
defense with his rapier style, even if he does do a pretty good imitation
of a doorstop in terms of intelligence.

(The) Bishop - seems to be everywhere and nowhere, his game
doesn't have a beginning nor an end, and his middle is a well-guarded
secret that you have to spend time in a seminary to understand, much
less emulate. Surprisingly tough for a man of the cloth, he seems to
stamp out injustice wherever he goes - now only if he would bother
to score a goal now and then, we might have a pretty good side here!
Seems to always arrive a bit late - his timing could be improved. Benny
wouldn't like his finishing much either - leaves too much to chance.

Mr. Bertenshaw - Me doctor. No, me doctor, you Bertenshaw. My
wife doctor. No your wife patient. AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!
No idea why I nominated Mr. Bertenshaw. I don't even know if he
plays the game. I am simply at wit's end. Or maybe I never got to
wit's beginning (grumbles from the RSS crowd grow....) I need a drink,
or failing that, a frontal lobotomy....

Simon-Zinc-Trumpet-Harris - married to a very attractive table lamp.
Which is something various English footy types are wont to do - for
example a certain "phenom" from Manc-land who married a singing
table lamp. But Simon has more going for him than his mate - what it
is I don't exactly know but you can bet he does, because someone
will bet on what he does, even it if has nothing to do with footy - which
betting doesn't unless you make money on it in which case please send
me some as I have lost my mind writing these four posts and don't
anticipate being released until the 2006 WC, if then.

So send in your quid, and maybe a few votes, to the following address:

The BBC, c/o E. F. Lutt, 18 Rupee Buildings, West 12

- Paul "Moving to Montana" Mettewie