Jul 17, 1996 This won't hurt, believe me Jul 20, 1996 Turn out the lights, the Dream Team is losing Jul 20, 1996 Goodbye rain forest Jul 22, 1996 Just say yen Jul 28, 1996 Massive flooding in Brasil Jul 31, 1996 The last of the Europeans Jul 31, 1996 Go Brasil Go Jul 31, 1996 My condolences Aug 2, 1996 Top 10 Razones Why Argentina will defeat Nigeria Aug 3, 1996 Impressive Aug 8, 1996 Brasil will destroy Mars Aug 9, 1996 Top 10 Brasuca excuses All the results from the 1996 Olympics can be found at http://www.rsssf.com/tablesa/atlanta96.html ============================================= From: email@example.com (Ariel Mazzarelli) Subject: This won't hurt, believe me Date: July 17, 1996 I am worried about the fragile psyche of the USA Olympic squad. Will they be able to handle the humiliation that they will suffer when they play Argentina? I hope that they understand that they are hopelessly overmatched. I hope that they understand that they were sent to the slaughter, and that that is no reason to quit playing futbol. My dear USAns, do not worry if you are not fit to tie our Argentinian laces. You will grow, and in a few centuries, you might be a worthy opponent. Please do not quit playing or watching futbol because of the severe thumping that you are about to receive. Take comfort in the knowledge that many countries (including all where the English language is more prevalent than here) are also quantically inferior. Watch what we do, learn from it, enjoy the show just like the fans, and remember the Olympic message that the important thing is not to win or lose or avoid humiliation, but to participate. Like an actor needs a stage, or a politician needs a bribe, our Seleccion needs eleven opponents to score golazos against. Will it be a taquito? Perhaps a big caņo? Ah, to truly mystify you, a rabona would surely do! For pedagogical purposes, many paredes will be shown. And it would be a rare thing to see, but surely useful, if you saw what a real bicicleta was, so that you would not persist on misnaming the chilena. So take heart, and let Morrisey's words guide you, "Come Armaggedon, Come Armaggedon come" -------------------------------------------------- From: Yousuf Zafar Date: July 18, 1996 Remember... Morrissey also sang: "Fame, fame, fatal fame. It can play hideous tricks on the brain." ============================================= From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Ariel Mazzarelli) Subject: Turn out the lights, the Dream Team is losing Date: July 20, 1996 I heard it through the grapevine that yesterday's opening ceremony was covered by NBC with a generous dosage of jingoism directed at, among others, Cuba (surprise surprise). As for Argentina, they referred to them as an aperitif for the US basketball team. Well it seems that when the score was Argentina 15 USA 14 the guy in charge of the lights needed a bottle of Alka Seltzer, because there was a mysterious blackout (maybe it was a commando from Sam's Army?). In news a bit more pertinent to this newsgroup, Argentina 3 USA 1. Once again from the grapevine, after a very early goal by the USA, total domination set in and the final score was, how shall I put it, 'being a good guest'. I happened to turn on the TV when "Corky" Costas was going through the highlights, but I only caught the second goal. Ortega (Corky had trouble remembering his name) got fouled in the midfield, and while the US players were reviewing the rulebook (and the cameraman was watching a commercial) there was a quick restart by the sneaky Argentinians leading to a cross from the left and a tap in by Crespo. The next item on the menu is Portugal, linguistically an aperitif for the main course. ============================================= From: email@example.com (Ariel Mazzarelli) Subject: Goodbye rain forest Date: July 22, 1996 [Olympics: Brazil 0, Japan 1] Well it seems that we're just going to have to get used to breathing carbon now, as 29% of the Amazon rain forest was chopped down yesterday to fill a rush order of kleenex. Of course the savvy RSSer put everything he owned on Kleenex and is now making out like a bandit. Bite me envious ones. --------------------------------------------- From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Ariel Mazzarelli) Subject: Just say yen Date: July 22, 1996 It is nice to see that Brasil pays its debts. Now we know that there are two ways to beat the brasucas: 1. Play better than they do--this one is hard, but if two countries that no one has ever heard of like Argentina and Uruguay can do it, surely others could follow suit? I call this method "Not for the Envious Ones". 2. Buy all their players at twice their value. I call this method "Made in Japan". So the USA fans now know that the real key to finally beating Brasil is to get the MLS to pay $10 million for Zico, $15 million for Dunga (maybe $20 million, he is THAT good), $4 million for Juninho, etc. Of course you are welcome to try it with Argentina but it probably won't work (look at what happened to the Italians in 1990, for example). In fact, now we see that the real problem that the FIFA All Stars had a week ago was not that they had Ginola, or that there were not any English players--it was that they only had one Japanese player. Maybe the wily Mr. Miura played so poorly only so as to give the brasucas a false sense of security--which is like encouraging them to get a suntan. Well I hope that the brasucas have not hidden the gold medals in some place where they can't get them when they are asked to return them due to the technicality that they are not going to win the tournament [I could not find a place for a comma]. After what happened to the Jules Rimet trophy, one never knows... ============================================= From: email@example.com (Ariel Mazzarelli) Subject: Massive flooding in Brasil Date: July 28, 1996 RIO DO JANEIRO (AiPee): Massive flooding took place in various parts of Brasil today when the sewage system was overflowed. The cause of the overflow condition was the simultaneous flushing of 150 million toilets that took place when it was announced that Argentina had defeated Espaņa by a score of 4-0. Many Brasilians thought that the score was actually 5-0, but one of the goals by Argentina was nullified because of offsides. "I do not know what happened" said Joao Texeira, a napkin salesman in Rio. "When I heard that the Argentinos won by such a big score, I had an urge to go to the toilet. When I flushed, I heard a big sound, like a big wave. Then when I came out everybody said to me 'did you just flush'. It was terrible, so much chaos." Overwhelmed by the prospect of an adverse result during the gold medal match, Brasilian officials are studying the possibility of giving exclusive rights of the television telecast to the American television network NBC, so as to use the 'plausible replay' technique in order to show either a non-adverse result, or to stagger the reception of the result throughout the country so as to avoid the simultaneity that caused today's flooding. When asked about the government's precautions, Texeira wiped his forehead and asserted that "I am not worried, I know we can beat Argentina. But it is good that the government is prepared." ============================================= From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Ariel Mazzarelli) Subject: The last of the Europeans Date: July 31, 1996 The Portuguese brought yet another installment of the insipid Eurofutbol today against Argentina. 10 guys defending and one little guy that tried to do something and got rather lonely. The puzzling thing is that that little guy, Jose Dominguez, really could have done some damage; towards the end of the game, the knowledgeable crowd at the Gaucho Meat Market had nothing but respect for his efforts and nothing but contempt for that of his marker. Argentina completely dominated the match, and if there were a couple of chances for Portugal to score it was mostly because the Adoquin has yet to find a stable defensive scheme that will avoid mishaps. But whereas Portugal left its chances at the mercy of the errors of the opponent, several Argentinians took the opportunity to show their opponents some of the techniques that one can use to dust a dopey defender. The sternest examiners were Ortega and Claudio "Piojo" Lopez. Time and time again, they reminded their markers that they were not fit for duty. On another plane altogether was Zanetti, who at this stage is the best player in the world in his position. The strength of his defensive skills makes him a 100% no-questions-asked guarantee, while his drives up the field are only stopped by the goal line rather than the opponent. The simplicity of his game makes his appearances very consistent, so that we may be seeing the birth of one of the greatest defenders the game has ever seen. Of course, it seems hardly fair to compare the skills and accomplishments of Argentina's squad with that of any of their opponents so far. Only if Brasil manages to negotiate their final game against Nigeria can we expect to see a true test. There are many flaws in "Adoquin" Passarella's design, but it takes a better team than the USA, Tunisia, Espaņa or Portugal to really expose them. Is Brasil that team? It only took Japan to expose their flaws. Nonetheless, it will be an interesting (and potentially humiliating) examination. I will be rooting for Brasil to show up for their exam on Saturday. One final note on the European malady. It is really disappointing to see the incoherence that results from a cowardly attitude that puts so many horses on the field and so few thinkers. I suppose that from the point of view of a national trainer, mediocrity is the surest route to a paycheck. If this trend is not checked, it will not be long before the South American squads begin to consider the African teams as the more dangerous opposition. That was certainly the case in these Olympics--Argentina's path to the final has been much easier than Brasil's. ============================================= From: email@example.com (Ariel Mazzarelli) Subject: Go Brasil Go Date: July 31, 1996 Like a stopped watch that gives the correct time twice a day, the brasuca perception that everybody wants them to win will be a bit closer to the truth when they play Nigeria today. Every Argentinian I know would like to see them negotiate this hurdle, and we hope that there will be no 'made in Japan' surprises. Ariel PS: The savvy RSSer should note that there is no easier way to find an eager and willing garota than to wear the fashionable albiceleste while chanting "Dale Brasil"--however, one must take care that the garota is not a garotinho. ============================================= From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Ariel Mazzarelli) Subject: My condolences Date: July 31, 1996 I am sure that this must be a difficult time for our dear Brasucas, who were so certain that they were the favorites. Although they had amassed an overwhelming 3-1 lead at the end of the first half, the thing came undone in the second half, with a goal at the 44' mark tying up the score and sending the game into extra-time. There, the golden goal came to the Nigerians, who thus advances to the final. Also noteworthy is the fact that in that second half the Nigerians missed a penalty kick. The Argentinians are very pissed off at the Nigerians for having prevented the loyal opposition from reaching the final. Do not worry, my dear Brasucas, Argentina will avenge your defeat. ============================================= From: email@example.com (Ariel Mazzarelli) Subject: Top 10 Razones Why Argentina will defeat Nigeria Date: August 2, 1996 10. Against Argentina, you cannot hope to score 3 goals in the last 20 minutes of a game. 9. The Nigerian players are still waiting for a translation of the rulebook section titled "What Is A Foul". 8. African futbol has come a long way, but not all the way up to the top two of South America. 7. Just to show they are fair, FIFA has instructed the referee to help Argentina. 6. Many of the Nigerian players will not show up because they believed the Brasucas when they claimed that Brasil had already won the gold medal. 5. Nigerians have big mouths. 4. Our cows are bigger. 3. We are better looking. 2. Nigeria's uniform is very ugly. 1. There is no more beautiful sight in the world than the albiceleste. ============================================= From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Ariel Mazzarelli) Subject: Impressive Date: August 3, 1996 In a hard-fought game, Nigeria beat Argentina 3-2 and won the Olympic futbol gold medal. Argentina took the lead so early that the Mexican cameras were not yet showing the game. The replay showed el Piojo Lopez heading the ball in. Argentina kept pressing, but this tactic was not as successful against the Nigerians as it had been against lesser opponents. The Africans showed good individual technique and a willingness to pass the ball around quickly, thus maintaining possession. Their sallies up the middle were particularly dangerous, making paredes of the type that one expects (and all too rarely saw) from Argentina. Unfortunately, Argentina was trying to get something out of long passes that usually failed. An excellent opportunity arose however when el Piojo found himself all alone 40 meters out. He passed up a shot over the outbound goalkeeper, passed him on the right too hard and could not reach the ball before it went out of bounds. In one of the aforementioned sallies Nigeria came very close to scoring, as Amokachi (I think) shot underneath Cavallero and struck the inside post. Their first goal came on a header by a defender whose name I cannot remember, on a long cross, hitting the post and going in. The second half had barely begun when Ortega received one of those long passes and ran past the Nigerian line. A defender trying to get at the ball from behind pushed Ortega a few times, and eventually el Burrito decided to fall from this pushing, and the referee said penal. Crespo struck it hard and high to the right post. 2-1. Argentina kept pressing, and it seemed as though the third goal could come at any moment. A Nigerian crossed a ball from the left and it struck an Argentinian on the hand (Morales, I think), but the referee decided that the ball went to the hand rather than the other way around. A few minutes later a similar thing happened on the other end, when Ortega made a pass to an onrushing Crespo and the defender fell backwards on the ball touching it with his butt and his hand--once again, no penal. After a few minutes, Nigeria settled down and once again began to control the game. On a cross from the right, a Nigerian flicked the ball back with his head, another Nigerian missed the ball completely, with such good fortune that it went to another forward behind him, who flicked it softly into the upper corner. 2-2 and it was anybody's game. A few chances were created on both ends, with Nigeria being stopped by the excellent work of Cavallero. With about two minutes to go the referee gave a so-so foul to Nigeria at the left side of the penalty area. As the Nigerian started towards the ball, the Argentinian defense decided to set an offside trap and left an attacker all by himself at the penalty spot. The pass came to him and without letting the ball touch the ground, he spun and struck it at the outside post. The replay showed a very close offside, but the goal stood. Shortly after that it was over, and Nigeria had the gold medal. The decision to lay an offside trap at that moment was pretty stupid. Muchas gracias Adoquin. Overall, it was an excellent game and Nigeria showed that they have considerable speed, strength, and talent. Tactically, Nigeria played a superior game, and close offside notwithstanding, there is no doubt about their being the better team on the field today. Meanwhile, el Adoquin Passarella leaves yet another tournament without the big trophy... ====================================== From: email@example.com (Ariel Mazzarelli) Subject: BRASIL WILL DESTROY MARS Date: Aug 8, 1996 AiPee (August 7)--Eager to take on a new challenge after destroying Earth, the mighty Brasucas have thrown down the gauntlet against the new kids on the solar system. "We are not afraid of little green unicellular fossils", said the DT of Brasil's national squad, "Fossilho" Zagallo. "Brasil is Brasil, even in Mars. We have been training on Sugarloaf for the thinner atmosphere, and we are ready". "I will score muito goles", sobbed Bebeto while blowing his nose into a green and white handkerchief. "I will carry the canarinhos to interplanetary domination". When asked if any of his teammates should be left on the Red Planet, Bebeto declined comment. On the other side of Iguazu, the mood was skeptical. "The Brasucas will screw it up. Then we will have to go and fix things" claimed the DT of Argentina, "Adoquin" Passarella. "You have to be careful with the unicellular fossils, they are better than they look. I would put 8 defenders and try some long balls to my forwards. Because the air on Mars is so light, I would give my players special air-filtering muzzles to ensure proper breathing". When asked about sending an African squad to take on the Martians, a FIFA representative answered that "we studied the situation, but it was decided that the cold Martian temperatures would be detrimental to the African squads". When it was pointed out that Brasil is also a warm country, the representative became exasperated and briskly ended the meeting. ============================================= From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Ariel Mazzarelli) Subject: Top 10 Brasuca excuses Date: August 9, 1996 Inspired by Miguel Ballicora's instruction for a clueless RSSer whose name we will not mention (he goes to uc santa barbara): 10. "We did not care about that tournament" 9. "We sent second class players" 8. "Our league is more important than Copa America" 7. "Argentines bribed Peru" 6. "That was a friendly match" 5. "Tulio did it, but Maradona did it first" Ok, I'll add four more. 4. We could not get to the stadium. 3. It was unfair, we had to play against Argentina and Uruguay. 2. We are more concerned with jogo bonito than the result. 1. We had a bad goalkeeper. PS: I'm still waiting for a Brasuca to claim that a referee ever harmed them in an official FIFA game outside of England 1966. ---------------------------------------- From: email@example.com (Ariel Mazzarelli) Subject: Re: Top 10 Brasuca excuses Date: August 13, 1996 Irineu Carvalho wrote: >Edmundo's goal in Brasil - Uruguay in last Copa America (completely legal >goal unallowed by the referee). Ha! HA! Tulio, offside by five meters in the middle of the goalkeeper's box, AND raising his hand (whether he was asking for the ball or offside is not clear). The referee made an excellent call. Normally, I would be surprised to see such gall from a knowledgeable fan, but I suppose that in Brasil it is just assumed that the referee is in your pocket and when he is not, you cry "foul!". Live by the Tulio, die by the Tulio. HA! >Reinaldo's goal in WC78 against Sweden (referee finished the game with the >ball in the air after a corner kick). Yeah, somebody else brought this one up. Still, the referee has every right to end the game whenever he likes--so, a poor call, but hardly theft.