1993	Si hay algo que me ROMpe las taLOpes (Ariel Mazzarelli)
	1993	In Defense Of Argentina (Marcelo Weinberger)
Dec  3, 1993	Envious RSSers can bite me (Ariel Mazzarelli)
Jan     1994	Talking with Drillo (Ariel Mazzarelli)
Feb 24, 1994	Brasilians and Math (Ariel Mazzarelli)
Feb 28, 1994	Global Alert To All: Satan Roams The Earth (Stig Oppedal)
Mar  1, 1994	Brasil and Copa America (Ariel Mazzarelli)
Mar 11, 1994	EC better than WC? (Marcelo Weinberger)
Mar 17, 1994	Armchair Match Reflections: Arsenal - Torino (Stig Oppedal)
Mar 18, 1994	RSS conversation enders (Ariel Mazzarelli)
Mar 22, 1994	Top 10 Reasons Why Argentina will beat Brasil (Ariel Mazzarelli)
Apr 27, 1994	Xclusive Eric Cantona Interview ("E Cantona")
May 12, 1994	Don't cry for me, Jorgito (Ariel Mazzarelli)
May 19, 1994	Rule Britannia! ("HM The Queen")
Jun 12, 1994 	Ariel Mazzarelli <=> Maradona (S.P.W. Wainwright)
Jul 19, 1994	25 extremely silly ways to decide a drawn game (Alan Douglas) 
Aug     1994	Medicinia (Alan Douglas)
Sep 16, 1994	Does Oliver Tse Have A Job? (Alan Douglas)
Oct  7, 1994	Misspelled XI (Stig Oppedal)
Oct     1994	First Bog-Roll At Wembley? (Alan Douglas)
Oct 17, 1994	Grammar: Are countries single or plural? (Stig Oppedal, Andrew Wayne, Bruce Scott)
Nov     1994	Top Ten Reasons Why Cityzen64 Can't Compose a Decent Message (Alan Douglas)

From: mazzarel@math.berkeley.edu (Ariel Mazzarelli)
Subject: Si hay algo que me ROMpe las taLOpes
Date: [1993]

Eso de escribir sobre el futbol en ingles.  Que salvajismo,  que bajeza.
Que limitacion de metaforas,  escasez de vocales abiertas,  sequia de rimas.

Y ademas... como carajo se traducen palabras como gambeta,  rabona,  
ca~o,  tunel,  chilena,  pared,  toque,  ciiiiiiiiirculandoooo,  Cinco,  
Diez,  Nueve,  wines,  Dos,  libero,  ffforrro,  Iddolooooo,  medialuna,  
ollazo,  testazo,  zapatazo,  pepinazo,  PENAL,  gololimpico,  golazo,
guevo,  le~a,  paralo,  bajalo,  quebralo,  plancha,  a yorar sevalaiglesia,
arquerazo,  marcar,  anular,  polenta,  bailar,  hinchar las talopes,  
romper las pelotas,  calentitos,  calentuchi,  fanatico,  hinchada,  barra,
barra brava,  cuervo,  orsai,  hijoeputa,  ojete,  orto,  culo,  cagazo,
llorar,  teatro,  pedir la hora,  TIEMPO,  CARAJO,  OLE,  semirainosetoca,
de hijo,  y la clasica frase de un Dos jugado cuando se le escapa el Nueve:

"Che negro,  que lindo fue {algo que no se oye bien} a tu hermana."

Cuanto se pierde en la traduccion.


From: marcelo@maui.almaden.ibm.com (Marcelo Weinberger)
Subject: Re: The Mighty Argentina???
Date: [1993]

This discussion is making me wonder: is the state of world's soccer
nowadays so lousy that a team that allegedly bases its style in "tricks"
called "antifutbol", not only makes it to the WC final by beating the
host team, but also changes its coach and most of its players, and still
remains unbeaten anyway since then? Where are the "mighty" powers that
cannot beat this supposedly lousy team?

It may be exceptional that a Uruguayan like me is praising Argentina's
soccer team, since there is no SOCCER rivalry more ancient than the one
between these two countries (I mean soccer, and not rivalry based on
other grounds), but the amount of nonsense that is being displayed here
is really amazing.

Especially, this polite but meaningless Colombian argument. First, I
would suggest that the first thing that a Colombian (just to mention a
country whose REAL contribution to world's soccer is still to be shown,
and no ofense intended since it's fun to see Colombia playing) should do
when referring to Argentinean soccer, past, present, and future, is to
stand up and take his hat off if he has one. Of course, it will be
difficult for him to type. OK, you can sit down. Now, to the point.
Argentina played beautiful, perhaps the most entertaining soccer that
has ever been shown, a long time ago, by the time Colombia and most
countries were still trying to see what is it all about. Still, no
ofense intended, I'm just trying to show you that it's quite ridiculous
to see someone trying to teach Argentineans what entertaining soccer is.

During these years, Argentina was not able to win anything worth
mentioning (just like Colombia right now, well, not really, at least
they won a lot of Copas America, and lost a WC final, and gave
magnificent players to the world, amongst other things). Until they
realized that SOCCER IS NOT JUST BALLET, and there are other things
that you must show. Germans know this very well, BTW. I'm not talking
about breaking the rules, the referee is there for taking care of that,
and no team wins by just breaking the rules and using "tricks". Unless
the other team is sufficiently stupid or lousy. These "other" things
cannot be bought in the store. They help you, for example, to beat
Paraguay at home (do you know what playing at Defensores del Chaco is?)
with 9 players.

Look, you can argue whatever you want, but you won't beat Reality.
Which shows Argentina as one of the two powerhouses of the last 15
years, and all the others come far behind them. Like it or not.

From: mazzarel@jaffna.berkeley.edu (Ariel Mazzarelli)
Subject: Envious RSSers can bite me
Date: 3 Dec 1993 05:02:24 GMT

I see all these posts offering "sophisticated analysis" that neglects
Argentina's chances of winning the world cup. You clueless f's,  you must
realize that ARGENTINA is the favorite to win.

You see,  it can't be a European team because they can't win it away from
their continent;  it certainly can't be Germany,  because it is almost
impossible to repeat.

It can't be an Asian team because they both suck.

It can't be an African team because they can't reach the finals without
piling up 34 yellow cards.

So it is going to be an American team.  Now it can't be the USA because
they suck.  It probably won't be the Mexican team because,  even though
they are pretty good, they won't know what to do beyond the quarterfinals.
Ditto for Colombia.  As for Bolivia,  they are just not good enough.

So that only leaves Brasil and Argentina.  One of these two will win it.

The way I see it,  if somebody does Brasil a favor and eliminates Argentina
(let's face it, Italia could do it), then these guys can finally stop talking
about Pele and start the canonization of Romario.

If Argentina manages to get far enough to meet Brasil, I can guarantee you
that we will win.  We own these guys. They might play better,  they might
play worse,  they might show up with their best team or their "c" team, it
might rain or shine,  or an earthquake... it doesn't matter.  The end result
is that Argentina goes on to the next round;  and if it's the final (which
would be nice) then we get the Cup.

Remember,  if you are of a different mindset,  you can send your bet/donations

Berkeley Bookie
c/o Ariel Mazzarelli
Department of Mathematics
University of California
Berkeley,  CA  94720

If neither one wins,  then the tiebreaker is which team went further in
the tournament.

Make me rich,  rss!!

From: mazzarel@beirut.berkeley.edu (Ariel Mazzarelli)
Subject: Talking with Drillo
Date: January, 1994
[USA 2, Norway (out-of-season second-stringers!) 1]

The 49ers had not yet scored their first touchdown when the red phone rang.

"Hello?  Ariel"

"I figured you'd call,  but not so soon.  Shouldn't you be talking to 
the boys?"

"Yah,  but that can wait.  Did you see the game?"

"Yes,  but with no sound because Jeff wanted to hear the commentators on
the Raiders game in Buffalo."


"So I can't give you any names,  Drillo,  but I can tell you that the little
guy with the goatee has all the decisiveness of a middle-aged virgin,  and
the right side of your defense should make up its mind as to whether it will
stay with the man or the ball."


"Because they clearly cannot have both.  And who the FUCK did you have on Cobi

"Ah,  let me see my little book..."

"Fuck your book,  Drillo.  That guy made Cobi look like a Brasilian.  As a
matter of fact the whole US team looked like Brasil.  Doesn't that make you

"Ah,  here it is.  The defender was number 3."

"Yes,  I know.  And the technique he used is number 5 in the Nevada Escort
Service Handbook."

"What book is that?  I do not have that book,  yah?"

"Never mind Drillo I WAS MAKING A FUCKING JOKE."

"Ah,  you say my defender defend like a prostitute!"

{sigh} "Ok,  now let's get back to this style thing.  Why on Earth did you
guys treat the ball like it had AIDS,  trying to get it as far away from
you as possible the moment you touched it?"

"Well,  you know I have these stats,  they say..."

"If you say the word 'stat' one more time I'm hanging up the phone."

"Ok,  ok...  ah,  yah,  bumpy pitch!"

"That was the worst field I have ever seen.  Still,  Drillo,  that is no
excuse.  Half of the things that your players did were so embarrassing,  if
I did them in a pickup game I'd just pick up my shoes and go home."

"But we are so much bigger and stronger,  we can win with the long ball,
all we need is a corner kick and then Flo will do it!"

"Flo sucks.  Honestly,  Drillo,  your guys looked so pathetic when they ran
with the ball.  They looked like Schwarzneggers.  They looked like the fucking
Buffalo Bills,  which were on the other TV,  and those guys were wearing pads
and playing on a frozen turf."

"Yah,  it was too bad,  I wanted to play in the Chicago Soldier Field but 
Bora said no."

"That Bora is very sneaky,  eh?"

"Yah!  Before the game he asked me to autograph a copy of my book!"

"You have to watch out with him.  Fortunately,  you don't have to play
against the USA in the world cup.  You only have to worry about Italia,
Ireland,  and Mexico."

"Yah...  excuse me,  I have bad gas now.  I will call you later,  ok?"

"Ok,  don't drink the water.  Bye."

Subject: Re: BRAZIL - argentina
From: mazzarel@spam.berkeley.edu (Ariel Mazzarelli)
Date: 24 Feb 1994 11:17:58 GMT

I suppose that Brasil could defeat a team composed of mediocre Argentinians,  
but unfortunately for Eddie,  he will not get the opportunity to test out 
his hypothesis.  In all likelihood,  the team will be composed of above-average 
Argentinians,  and that should handily suffice to open the tear ducts in the 
land of samba yet again.


Yes,  very nice,  but what sport and what decade are you referring to?  You
might note that the mathematical object represented by

{World-class tournaments won by Brasil after 1970} intersected with
{Tournaments won by Brasil outside of Maracana}

is in fact the empty set;  and that if we do not take the intersection of
these two sets,  then the first is

{Copa America '89}

whereas the second does not include the element

{World Cup 1950}.

It is a testament to the mathematical sensitivity of the Brasilians that a
simple construction of a set should cause such a large consumption of Kleenex.

From: stigop@Siri.Unit.NO (Stig Oppedal)
Newsgroups: rec.sport.soccer [and a zillion other equally irrelevant newsgroups 
- as a parody of the infamous "Global Alert To All: Jesus Is Coming" by 
Clarence Thomas IV]
Subject: Global Alert To All: Satan Roams The Earth
Date: Feb 28, 1994


Satan is once again loose and wreaking havoc, leaving chaos and terror in
his wake. And like another famous bad guy, The Terminator, Satan has
now switched over to the forces of good - specifically the Slovakian
Olympic Ice Hockey Team. Miroslav Satan has been leading the Slovak front
line with 9 goals, helping them clinch 1st place in Group B ahead of
Sweden and Canada and eventually to a respectable 6th place.

Unfortunately, the Spanish team  didn't qualify for the Lillehammer Games.
Otherwise we could have had a Jesus vs. Satan Winner-Takes-All Slugfest
and finished this whole apocolypse thing once and for all.

From mazzarel@sizzlean.berkeley.edu (Ariel Mazzarelli)
Date: 1 Mar 1994 07:37:26 GMT

Well,  since you are so keen on statistics,  here are the stats for the
tournament where FIFA has not been able to make its messes.

(S) America Cup, 1916-1994 record
Country         Champion        Runner-up       Third
Argentina         14              10              4
Uruguay           13               5              6
Brasil             4              10              7
Paraguay           2               5              7
Peru               2               0              5
Bolivia            1               0              0
Chile              0               4              5
Colombia           0               1              2
Mexico             0               1              0

One should note that the tournament has been held in Brasil four times.
No prize for guessing which team won on those occasions. No prize for
guessing which team cannot win it away from home. By no means do I wish
to diminish the merits of a team winning Copa America as a host
--El Maracanazo tells us that it is no certainty. One such example is
Argentina '87,  where Uruguay won it and Brasil had to go home early
after losing to Chile 4-0.

This is the one tournament where there are no excuses. FIFA has nothing
to do with it. Italia '34, France '38, England '66 are world cups that
should have come back to South America, and need I add NOT to Brasil.
For Copa America all we can say is that the best team usually wins, with
customary home-field advantage factored into it.

It just so happens that in South America, Brasil is not that team. Maybe
the Europeans have no idea about what to do when facing the dancers in
the yellow shirts, but southward the samba is spelled "zamba". The
official CBF excuse is that they are too stupid to send a good team to
the tournament. One might be forgiven for overestimating the importance
of intelligence in futbol, given such examples.

From marcelo@hplms1.hpl.hp.com (Marcelo Weinberger)
Subject: Re: EC better than WC?
Date: Fri, 11 Mar 1994 19:48:22 GMT

Arthur J Manners writes:
> It is fact [...] that European football as a whole is the best so why
> shouldn't the World Cup have a preliminary round before the
> championships so for example an African team has to beat a South
> American team to qualify.
> Anyway at least the European Championships are being played in a
> footballing nation.

I couldn't agree more with this post. It is true that the bloody South
American cheaters now and then succeeded in stealing world titles from
the Europeans, but a closer look at the history shows that in fact none
of these really count. Let's see:

1930: How can a championship without the Home Countries be called a WC?
      Other European powers were absent too, although their problem was
      that they couldn't find Uruguay on the map. As for the champions,
      with names like Mazzali, Nassazzi, Mascheroni, Scarone, Petrone,
      Romano, Galvalissi and others, one can conclude that Italy was the
      real champion. Hence the best, except for the Home Countries of
1950: Who cares about a WC 5 years after a WW? In fact most of the work
      was done by the US team. And remember the Italian plane crash a
      few years before. And again: who scored for the winners?
      Schiaffino and Ghiggia. Together with Gambetta, Maspoli and others
      we have Italy as winners. The best after the Home Countries. Even
      though I don't like this either: these Southern Europeans are
      pretty much cheaters too.
1958: Bloody cheating. Think of that: a victory based on dribbling. Now
      what is dribbling? You make your enemy think you are going to one
      side and you actually go to the other. This is cheating, by
1962: Same as above, but also consider the altitude and the tropical
      weather in Chile. Have you ever tried to play soccer in Vin~a del
      Mar? First, the altitude prevents you from breathing. If you
      survive, you have that terrible tropical July.
1970: Altitude, smog, tropical weather. But not only that. Full of
      scaring potential illegal aliens, i.e. a hostile crowd. Anyway,
      didn't you notice that Jairzinho was offside when he scored
      against England? I'm surprised nobody mentioned it yet. BTW, I
      consider this 1-0 to be one of the biggest upsets of all times.
1978: This one is easy. Videla scored for Argentina, not to mention the
      crowd, the bloody Peruvians (was it wheat or an hydroelectric
      station) and that last minute post. Was the person that put the
      bloody post there related to the Junta? This is an issue that is
      yet to be investigated. Oops, I almost forgot the terrible
      tropical weather of Mar del Plata in July.
1986: Hand of God. Should I add something else?

From: stigop@lise.unit.no (Stig Oppedal)
Subject: Armchair Match Reflections: Arsenal-Torino
Date: March 17, 1994
[Note: Torino were at this time under investigation for various illegal
activities, including buying a non-existant player and providing call girls
for referees. Their playmaker Carlos Aguilera had also fled the country
after getting mixed up with organized crime.]

Tuesday night I was delighted to discover that a Norwegian TV station was
going to broadcast the Cup-Winners Cup QF at Highbury. Then I was struck by
the disturbing implications. "What on earth is wrong with me? The thought of
watching Arsenal-Torino makes me happy?! We're talking about the two most
boring teams in all of Europe. You can't be that desperate!" Needless to say
I was, but at least I took the precaution of devouring every legal stimulant
available. In order to survive, you must prepare.

My resolve to watch the match was weakened when neither Kevin Campbell nor
Anders Limpar were in the line-up. George Graham, who has a well known
aversion to playing Merson and Limpar at the same time, no doubt out of fear
of waking up the opponents, preferred "Swifty" Smith and "Surefire" Jensen.
For their part, Torino had hoped to use their new acquisition, Gianfranco
Invisibilini, the midfielding gem unearthed by AS Inquizione, but UEFA ruled
him ineligible - despite intense personal lobbying by Torino's chief
interpreter, Lolita Bimboni.

With respect to the uniforms, it was Beauty and The Beast. Torino played in
their lovely combination of lavender shirts and long white shorts, while
Arsenal wore that horrible blue, yellow, and red concoction they use to psyche
out the opposition. Otherwise it was The Beast and The Beast. The play was
as unimaginative and stifling as you could expect, and never before have so
many ugly men contested a soccer match. The Dutch referee, an open
homosexual, must have thought he had died and gone to hell. Francescoli and
Jensen were among the worst offenders in both departments.

I switched over to Cheers. Sam was trying to date an old flame and her
daughter at the same time, while Dr. Crane was duped into being a clown at
a birthday party. It climaxed with Dr. Crane flashing an old woman and Sam
being jilted. [SAM: I feel as though I've let you down. I know how you all
look up to me. CARLA: The important thing is that you tried to do the wrong
thing.] Norm and Cliff drank beer (newsflash!).

Alas, it ended all to soon, and it was back for the second half kick-off. The
pitch at Highbury was surrounded by Italian-style revolving advertisement.
One of the sponsors, Jiffi Condoms, offered diametrically opposite
inspiration for the two teams. Arsenal were in a jiffy to score, while Torino
espoused safety first, and Arsenal's barrage resulted in a few wasted chances.
Paul Davis received the ball just outside the penalty area, with his back to
the goal and not a defender in sight. A quick turn would have resulted in a
scoring opportunity, but instead Paul thought it was a good time to ponder
Heavy Thoughts: What is the meaning of life? Does God exist? Is there life
on other planets? And why exactly are we wearing these butt-ugly shirts? He
snapped out of it in time to see Torino whomp the ball to safety.

Then Nigel Winterburn [sic] cut through the middle of the Italian defense
like a Torino accountant through red tape, faking the centre-halfs up onto
the stands before shooting straight at Galli. Out of nowhere the game wasn't
as bad as it had looked to be! Arsenal scrapped the standard Seaman -> Wright
70 meter thump in favor of a short passing game - which unfortunately meant
more TV close-ups of Merson, Jensen & Co. Ugh!

Midway through the half Arsenal were awarded a free kick on their right hand
side, 10 meters from the penalty box. Five of Arsenal's big lugs lined up,
and Paul Davis, having a good game overall, elegantly lofted the ball over
the Torino defenders and onto the head of Tony Adams. 1-0. The home crowd
finally came to life, after the Torino fans had by far created the most noise.

Tony Adams, widely seen as a figure of ridicule, seemed like an inspirational
captain to me, and for the first time I could understand why Terry Venables
considered him in that capacity for England. I could have written "Another
match sponsor, Carlsberg, has in the past provided captivating inspiration
for Tony Adams", but that would now be sacrilege. His bearing suggested that
he's accepted his fate as the leader of the Charge of the Light Brigade;
there's a dignified, lost-cause heroism about him, like Don Quixote, or Col.
Nicholson from The Bridge On the River Kwai. Lets get the job done, lads, no
matter how farfetched the job is (e.g. Arsenal winning the Cup Winners Cup).

The game had 1-0 written all over it (especially the scoreboard), yet Torino
slugged on in an attempt to get the equalizer - they figured there's always
the possibility that Lee Dixon will slot one in his own net. However, it was
Steve Bould who was the Santa in blue-and-yellow-and-red, when his weak back
pass was pounced on by Silenzi, but Seaman managed to tackle the Italian
striker. On the whole, Torino didn't pose much of a threat going forward.
They could have done with a cunning striker/offensive midfielder like Carlos
Aguilera to penetrate the Arsenal wall - Francescoli didn't impress in that
role (if, indeed, that is what he was trying to do). And up front Silenzi,
one of the top scorers in Serie A, had a quiet game - but the less said
about that, the better...

The game droned on with Torino having the most possession and gaining a few
semi-dangerous corners, while Arsenal counter-attacked at a furious pace when
given the opportunity. However, how serious can you take Arsenal's will to
score another goal when they keep on giving the ball to John Jensen?
Graham Taylor substituted Gary Lineker with Alan Smith in the 2-1 defeat
against Sweden in 1992 in order to signal to his players "We might as well
give up". Likewise, by giving the ball to Jensen for him to squander, the
Arsenal players were saying "Let's concentrate on defense."

Jensen was substituted and Angelo Gregucci was sent off, so the ugly mug
factor declined a little towards the end of the game, which ended - surprise,
surprise - 1-0. So now Arsenal face Paris St. Germain in the semis, with
Parma and Benfica squaring off for the other Final place. I think I would
prefer a Paris St. Germain - Parma final, but my dedication to English
football means that I will cheer for Arsenal - as long as they don't wear
those awful uniforms.


PS - I apologize for that Silenzi comment - it was unheard of...

From: mazzarel@beirut.berkeley.edu (Ariel Mazzarelli)
Subject: RSS conversation enders
Date: 18 Mar 1994 13:28:54 GMT

This is not really news to anyone,  just a compilation.

How do you stop someone from talking about futbol for (at least) 3 seconds?

You need to know what team they are a fan of.  Then you say the magic word.

Argentina: Colombia.
Colombia: Cup.
Brasil: Bolivia.
Bolivia: Brasil.
Paraguay: Peru.
Italia: France.
France: Israel.
Belgium: Malta.
Racing: Boca.
Boca: Libertadores.
Manchester United: Galatasaray.
Galatasaray: Monaco.
Monaco: Marseille.
Milan: Sao Paulo.
Sao Paulo:   {Ok so it's not a word}
Denmark: I'll let you guys figure this one out.
Espa~a: Northern Ireland.
Holland: Cup.
England: Norway.
Norway: Koss.
Germany: Codesal.
Mexico: Goleadas.
Scotland,  Sweden: Costa Rica.  {Two countries,  two words}
Uruguay: This is the exception that proves the rule.

From: mazzarel@beirut.berkeley.edu (Ariel Mazzarelli)
Subject: TOP 10 REASONS Why Argentina will beat Brasil
Date: 22 Mar 1994 04:13:39 GMT
[Note:  pre-WC friendly in Recife, Brazil, March 23, 1994)

10. Romario cannot find Recife on the map.

9. It's been five years since they've beaten us,  and it's not enough for me.

8. No one cries better than the brasucas.

7. This match is sponsored by Kleenex.

6. Tourism has decreased the intoxicating effect of colaless.

5. Compose a sentence with the following words:  defense,  brasilera,

4. Compose a sentence with the following words:  attack,  brasilero,
   certain,  goal,  wasted.

3. Parreira has not ruled out the possibility that Renato and Taffarel
   will play.

2. Havelange needs Grondona's vote to be reelected.

And the Top Reason why Argentina will beat Brasil in Recife on Wednesday is...

1. Argentina is the better team.

[Brazil won 2-0]

From: ECANTONA@samson.dcu.ie
Subject: Re: Xclusive Cantona Interview
Date: Wed, 27 Apr 1994 15:48:13 GMT

Bonjour mon english speaking chums,je suis sick et tired of tout la 
bitching que I've eard.Je pense que Blackburn est crap mais according to you
all,je suis dangereux,je n'ai pas de la chance,I've looked up seen giggsie
making a great run a la gauche,mais ma collare flopped down so I have to
abandon the whole thing.Mais tres serieux. je ne suis pas tres chuffed avec
all the bitchieness avec moi et mon equi......TEAM. Je pense que you are a lot
of jealous merde tetes (CHIT ED's) et  pour vous....vous Pink Brummieland
GITS et vous....vous ROUX Merseyside SCOM.....Prenez un life et Un team Decent
A Bloo ma nooos at vous......
Je Suis Player of l'Annee.

From: ECANTONA@samson.dcu.ie
Date: 28 Apr 94 

Bonjour mon english speaking chums,c'est Eric.I would like to thank the 
Leeds fans pour mon lovely reception last night.

HO HO HO you yorkshire puddings, mais je suppose que c'est le result de 
rendez-vous amoureaux avec les farmyard animals.....

(Bleat Bleat). Eh bien J'ecoute que Dorigo was too tired chasing Mutton the
soir before et Il ne peut pas to catch Andy. C'est la vie et le Championship
et Fortress Elland Road est FART_ARSE OINKLAND TOAD........ vous...vous
IDIOTS..........chit eds.........
                A bloooo ma noos at vous. Vive la champions.

From: mazzarel@lhasa.berkeley.edu (Ariel Mazzarelli)
Subject: Re: Don't cry for me,  Jorgito
Date: 12 May 1994 22:32:09 GMT

Jorge Lach  wrote:
>[Yo garpe $725 por los seis partidos,  puedo revender tres por $600 
>y no es "scalping"]

Por empezar,  para esos tres partidos,  las entradas mas caras salian:

Grecia:  $75
Nigeria: $65
1/4 final: $140

Total:  $270.

Ahora salis con que es un paquete especial,  que viene con folleto y no se
que otra cosa mas...  suena mejor que decir que estas revendiendo las entradas
al doble,  no?

Y mira vos,  justo revendes las mas jugosas,  las de Argentina y el
cuarto de final.  Te quedan las de Korea vs. Bolivia,  Grecia vs. Nigeria,
y octavos de final.  Medio raro,  tu metodo de seleccion.

Si lo unico que queres es no perder la guita que garpaste,  cancelas la orden
y ya esta.  Si nos estas haciendo un "favor",  bueno,  muchas gracias,
pero cabe aclarar que estas entradas se consiguen mucho mas baratas elsewhere,
y no hace falta transformar este foro en una feria.

De mas esta decir que cuando compraste estas entradas,  desplazaste a otro
que tenia intencion de ir a los partidos en vez de ponerse en lo de la
reventa.  No veo porque hay que bancarte esto aca.

Las cartas que mandas aca al postmaster,  al chairman... patetico.  Digamos
que en las oficinas aca se intercambiaron sonrisas de esas que dicen


y algo asi como

"I didn't know Sun Computers was a ticket agency".

From: e_windsor@buck.palace.pall.mall.uk (The Queen)
Subject: Re: Question on Maradona's salary....
Reply-To: hrh_er@empire.british.sun.never.set
Organization: House of Windsor
Date: Thu, 19 May 1994 13:36:07 GMT

hrb@se.houston.geoquest.slb.com (Horacio Bouzas) writes:

>Drag Queen may be? Anyway, chillout, there is another World Cup in 4 years,
>I'm sure england will work hard to qualify for it.

Qualify? My dear chap we do not 'qualify' for anything, we _permit you_ to
to take part in what is England's greatest game and that which we have, out
of our esteemed graciousness given unselfishly to the rest of the world -

Now everybody, all together now:-

Rule Brittania, Brittania rules the waves,
Britain never, ever, ever shall be slaves.

>BTW: Remember 1990? Hard to swallow,eh? The Hand of God is evidently more

The true Hand of God rarely if ever, clutches a straw one end of which is up
a nostril and the other end buried in a strange white powder. Hard to sniff
perhaps, but not swallow, we pride ourselves in our fair and honest approach
to everything we do. Cheating is for others of low ability and intellect.

Elizabeth R
* Her Royal Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second, Ruler of the British Empire  *
* Commonwealth, all her Dominions and The Falkland Isles. God Save the Queen *

From: wainw@liverpool.ac.uk (Mr. S.P.W. Wainwright)
Subject: Ariel Mazzarelli <=> Maradona
Date: Sun, 12 Jun 1994 13:41:03 GMT
[After harassing a ticket scalper (see above), Ariel was expelled 
from the Internet by Berkeley and didn't return until May 1995]

Has anybody else noticed a similarity between the life and career of
Ariel Mazzarelli and Diego Maradona ?

Diego Maradona a well respected (in some circles), skillful player who
delighted millions with skill and dexterity on the ball. This all had
to end in a fog of scandal as Diego crossed the line of the law. His
reputation was marred by his addictions. His only skill remaining was
with a .22 air rifle aimed at news crews outside his mansion.

Has the same happened to Ariel (the darling of r.s.s) once admired by
thousands, who frequently exhibited dexterity in a written sense, who weaved
his way in and out of the opposition's comments with virtuoso skill.
Alas this icon of r.s.s also crossed the line of the law and zap!!
there was no more! The sudden removal of his account tore a hole in many
an r.s.s reader's heart (especially those from S.America). Their leader,
their icon was reduced to nothing!!

Will Ariel manage to overcome his access problems to return and try and
rescue the faltering South American/Argentinian contributions to r.s.s.
just as Maradona is attempting on the football field.

Although your heart might tell you something different the hard facts
are that both are likely to fail before the end of this World Cup!!!!

Subject: 25 extremely silly ways to decide a drawn game
Date: July 19 1994 [shortly after the WC94 final]
From: Alan Douglas (Alan_Douglas@mindlink.bc.ca)

Some suggestions on how to increase scoring during extra time:

THEME #1 - Hinder the goalkeepers
a) Make them wear boxing gloves.
b) Handcuff them to the crossbar.
c) Stuff a rabid weasel down their pants.

THEME #2 - Hinder the defenders
a) Tie their shoelaces together.
b) All the defenders must play while a holding a raw egg in each hand.  If
they break one, it's a penalty shot!    
THEME #3 - Scientific approach
a) Put a block of a cheese in each net, and replace the ball with a large
white rat.
b) Hypnotise the players so they'll all rush forward in attack anytime Rick
Davis says something stupid.
c) Let all the players over-dose on Maradona's nose spray.

THEME #4 - Humiliation
a) Force the two coaches to parade up and down the sidelines wearing nothing
but a jock strap until someone scores.  (WARNING: some of them may actually
enjoy this)
b) If after every ten minutes a goal hasn't been scored, all the players get
spanked. (WARNING: see the previous warning)

THEME #5 - Positive reinforcement
a) Score a goal -- win a Snickers bar!
b) If you win the game in extra time, you get to sleep with *anyone's* wife.
c) Player who scores winning goal gets to kick the snot out of flame-baiter
Jay James.

If still no decision, then we have the following choices:

THEME #6 - Democratic approach
a) The good old applause-o-meter.
b) National 900-number televoting.
c) Have the players left on the field take a vote (Red cards become *very*

THEME #7 - Skill contest (soccer related)
a) Rolling around on the ground competition.
b) Stretcher race.
c) Team that can all raise their arms appealing for an offside call the
fastest are the winners.

THEME #8 - Skill contest (not soccer related)
a) Pie eating competition.
b) Essay question.
c) Longest nose hair.

THEME #9 - Dumb luck 
a) One-potato-two-potato
b) Tap Klinsmann on the shoulder, and award the game depending on whether he
rolls clockwise or counter-clockwise.
c) Penalty kicks

Subject: Re: EC-Group2 > Macedonia is now Fyrom
Date: August 1994
From: Alan Douglas (Alan_Douglas@mindlink.bc.ca)
[Note: an innocent post on the European Championship fell victim to the
Macedonia/FYROM debate]

Karel Stokkermans writes:
> Well, and what if the northern half of (say) Alberta would vote
> to split from the rest of Canada and call itself plain Alberta?

This actually happened Karel, although it was the south east corner of
Alberta that separated.  In 1933 during the depression, a group of
disgruntled farmers in and around the town of Medicine Hat formed their own
country which they called Medicinia.  Their leader, strangely enough, was a
Frenchman inspired by his own country's revolution.

Medicinia's soccer team, nicknamed the Hatters, only played one game.  It
was against a team of disgruntled Hawaiian nut growers called the
Macadamians.  The Medicinians beat the Macadamians 35-nil with each of the
Hatters scoring at least three goals.  That's where the expression "hat
trick" comes from.

The tiny country disbanded and was reabsorbed into Alberta after just two
months because the leader, Henri Delauney, discovered he could no longer
collect Canadian unemployment insurance.  Political pressure eventually
forced him to return France.  And it was there that in 1958 he founded the
soccer tournament which is now know as the European Championship.

The circle is now complete.

From: Alan_Douglas@mindlink.bc.ca (Alan Douglas)
Subject: Re: Does Oliver Tse Have a Job?
Date: Fri, 16 Sep 94 14:11:49 -0800

palacefc@clark.net (Keith Brody) writes:
> Jeez you lot are the most humourless bastards I've ever read. With the 
> exception of Karel Stokkermans, who managed to see my posting for the 
> joke it was supposed to be

Has anyone else noticed that roughly half of Keith's posts are complaints 
about how so many people have misunderstood his other posts.  Keith, I 
hope your job doesn't involve a lot of work with written communication, as
you clearly don't have a knack for that sort of thing :-)  (I seem to 
recall you're an editor of some sort).

As for Oliver, well his posts are absolutely immaculate.  Indeed they are 
so professional looking, and his information is so reliable and 
comprehensive, that I have developed my own theory about him:

He is none other than Special Agent Oliver Tse of the NSA (National 
Security Agency - a little-known branch of the US government which is in 
fact many times larger than the FBI and CIA combined).  I believe Special 
Agent Tse heads the section in charge of monitoring the threat that 
international soccer poses to the American way of life, which would explain 
his detailed knowledge of soccer broadcasts.  He would also be monitoring
r.s.s looking for possible threats to national security (so he'd have a 
pretty extensive file on you Keith).

I'm sure Oliver's life is full of drama and intrigue, what with all the 
beautiful women, jet packs, car chases and shoot-outs with those dastardly 
enemy agents from MYROF (Maniac Yahoo Ruffians Of Football).

Know if I could only get this darned bottle of Cheese Whiz open, I'd have 
some excitement of my own :-)

From: stigop@Lise.Unit.NO (Stig Oppedal)
Subject: Misspelled XI 
Date: 7 Oct 1994

Roy, Flo, Dunga - you couldn't misspell the names of these World Cup players 
if you tried. The players among the Misspelled XI are not so fortunate... 

1. Erik Thorstvedt	 -  only the T, r, s, and v are consistent survivors 
2. Uche Okechukwu	 -  Nigerian tongue twister 
3. Stan Valckx		 -  a name that stickx like teflon 
4. Choi Young-il	 -  not to be confused with the infamous Choi In-young 
5. Panayotis Tsalouhides -  all Greek to most spellers 
6. Mijd Bouyboub	 -  "Boob" among friends 
7. Aitor Beguiristain 	 -  a tad harder than "John Smith" 
8. Alex Czerniatynski	 -  the man for polished finishing 
9. Stephane Chapuisat	 -  to "e" or not to "e"? 
10. Florin Raducioiu	 -  dramatic finale calls for fancy footwork 
11. Juan Goikoetxea	 -  Warning: our highly skilled experts have been 
			    trained to spell this name - do not try it at home 

---Stig Oppedoll

Date: October 1994
From: Alan Douglas (Alan_Douglas@mindlink.bc.ca)

VoiceofFooty@zenecaen.demon.co.uk (Voice of Football) writes:

> Does anyone know the name of the first toilet roll to be thrown
> on the pitch during an FA Cup final at Wembley ? 

I was wondering when this group would get down to some good toilet paper
trivia. :-)

Seriously though, I have consulted Eugene Hayes' definitive text _The Roll
of Toilet Paper In History_ and discovered that the first recorded bog-roll
thrown at *any* English football match was at the 1952 FA Cup Final between
Newcastle and Arsenal.

It was the result of an unusual promotional stunt by the fledgling paper
products manufacturer Biddell & Sons which handed out several hundred of
their toilet rolls to the crowd entering Wembley.  However, there were
reports that many of the Arsenal supporters were unsure of what to do with
the rolls -- some unwound the paper and wore it like a scarf, while others
tried to eat the rolls, believing them to be a sort of pastry.

As it turned out, very few of the rolls ever made it to the pitch, although
the book does contain a rare photo of Newcastle full-back Bob Cowell being
struck on the thigh by a half-eaten bog-roll while taking a throw in. 

Biddell & Sons went broke two years later, according to Hayes. The book
contains other football related incidents, but I'll save them for another day.

From: stigop@Lise.Unit.NO (Stig Oppedal)
Subject: Grammar: Are countries single or plural?
Date: 17 Oct 1994 10:56:48 GMT

This should also be in the FAQ: is a country single or plural? Which of
the following sentences is correct:

  Sweden was lucky, and it won the bronze medal.
  Sweden were lucky, and they won the bronze medal.

The last one sounds the most natural, but if you substitute "Sweden"
with "The overrated Swedish team"  then it would be single. Any
grammatical experts out there who know the answer?

From: awayne@ps.ucl.ac.uk (Andrew Wayne)
Subject: Re: Grammar: Are countries single or plural?
Date: Wed, 19 Oct 1994 12:40:49 GMT

Countries is a plural (that's why it has an "s" on the end). Country
is the singular. And as we have this problem, shouldn't the question
have been: Is countries plural or singular?

Meanwhile: a collective noun: the flock of sheep are on their way to
Trafford. England are going to win the next six world cups. This refers
to the England football team and is a collective noun. London is a shithole
nobody in their right mind would want to visit refers to a place. London is
singular. It's a place.

Luxembourg are unlikely to win the next World Cup, despite being next to
France which is hosting it. France. Is. Country. Singular. Luxembourg. Are.
Team. Plural.

Americans might disagree with me, but then they're stupid (maybe they is
stupid?). They had a revolution against the British, they think Lalas and
Meola are good, and prefer to watch baseball, even when the teams are on
strike. If they aren't stupid, then they are very poorly educated.

From: bds@ipp-garching.mpg.de (Bruce Scott TK)
Subject: Re: Grammar: Are countries single or plural?
Date: 19 Oct 1994 18:32:31 +0100 

Andrew Wayne writes:

> Americans might disagree with me, but then they're stupid (maybe they is
> stupid?). They had a revolution against the British, they think Lalas and
> Meola are good, and prefer to watch baseball, even when the teams are on
> strike. If they aren't stupid, then they are very poorly educated.

No, if you want to talk street, it's "they be".

Actually, we're smart. We had our revolution so we could play baseball
instead of cricket, drive truck-pull competitions instead of jumping horses,
and teach our former masters how to commercialise hallowed sport. Now you
do it even better than we: not even in America is the most prestigous
league in the land named after a firm.

Do you still stick the little finger out when you drink tea?

Date: November 1994
From: Alan Douglas (Alan_Douglas@mindlink.bc.ca)

cityzen64@aol.com (Cityzen64) writes:

> nobody thought, frank your a thick bastard to if you are going
> to be critical            spelling misakes must be includee
> fuck you and punctuation whats your problem red hair or
> baldness is sheerin anything to do with you sheep fetish ? DO
> NOT ANSWER i can use ":?><()_-=+*&^%$#@!~ ALL THESE SYMBOLS AND
> MORE .

Stand back folks -- he could blow any second!

Subject : Top Ten List (was Re: VIRGIN OF FOOTBALL/)
Date: November 1994
From: Alan Douglas (Alan_Douglas@mindlink.bc.ca)

cityzen64@aol.com (Cityzen64) writes:

> give quebec to the french,what are you ? a sweaty sock fuck off
> dick head.            p.s have a nice life you boring twat.

From the branch office in Vancouver BC,

Top Ten Reasons Why Cityzen64 Can't Compose a Decent Message
10. His right hand is usually occupied (if ya know what I mean).
 9. Learned english by reading subway station graffiti.
 8. Those voices in his head have been singing Abba songs since 
 7. America Online -- need we say more?
 6. Two words: sparring partner.
 5. Still distraught over Tom and Roseanne's break-up.
 4. Rabid weasel in his pants.
 3. Drinks Ted Kennedy under the table every friggin night.
 2. Hard to type while repeatedly bashing your head against the

And the number 1 reason why Cityzen64 can't compose a decent message:

 1. Real name... Cityzen Gump.