Mar 17, 1997	RSS Word of the Day (Howard H. Hamilton, Stephen Davies)
Apr  3, 1997	Sheffield Wednesday (Alan Douglas)
Apr 11, 1997	10 reasons for L'pool losing to PSG (Stephen Davies)
Apr 14, 1997	Top 10 razones futbol shocks USA (Ariel Mazzarelli)
Apr 14, 1997	Norwegian Sports Journalism update: The Spice Girls (Stig=
Apr 18, 1997	NIKE poem (Steven Myers)
Apr 23, 1997	Gresley Rovers Denied Promotion (Ariel Mazzarelli)
May  5, 1997	Sacrilege!! (Stig Oppedal)
May 12, 1997	World Cup 98 Prediction ("Snaps")
May 17, 1997	ML$: Beach ball silliness in Denver (Oliver Tse, Ariel=
May 19, 1997	Spice Boys To Split? (Pat Mattimoe)
Aug 18, 1997	Clone Football 2020 dilemma (Stig Oppedal)
Sep  1, 1997	Insults... (Steve Jones)
Sep 16, 1997	Job requirement (Steve Jones)
Sep 26, 1997	Tony "The Wall" Meola (Chuck Pearson, Paul Mettewie)
Oct  5, 1997	The magic of the World Cup (Markian Jaworsky)
Oct 10, 1997	Get Your 1997 Model Milan Players Cheap! (Paul Mettewie)
Oct 11, 1997	The Heimlich Award goes to... (Oliver Tse)
Oct 14, 1997	Peruvian jokes (Stig Oppedal)
Oct 23, 1997	New WCQ Proposals (Stephen Davies)

From: (Howard H. Hamilton)
Subject: RSS Word of the Day
Date: March 17, 1997

We all could use new words in our vocabulary, so that we can sound erudite=

in all discourse. In an attempt to assist in this endeavour, I introduce to=

you...the RSS 'Word of the Day'!

McSparron {mik SPAIR uhn} (v) McSparroned. { from D. McSparron, publisher of=

score results in subject headers of USENET}  1. to proclaim loudly the
outcomes of events, especially when said event is about to be watched on
tape delay (Thanks for McSparroning me you punk, I wanted to watch that
game!)  2. to display boorish and antisocial behavior, despite admonitions=

of other members  3. to knowingly disregard established protocols (Johnny
knew that it was impolite to scratch himself and burp loudly at the
clubhouse of his country club, but he McSparroned everyone anyway.)
(n)  4. to be a complete anal orifice.

Please use this new word in all conversation when appropriate.

From: steve d (
Subject: Re: RSS Word of the Day
Date: March 17, 1997

Mazzarelli {Maez-ah-reli>} (vb.) Mazzarellied. 

(origin: Old Spanish - 17C; Mazer - to trick; elly - an idiot)

1) To draw an inexperienced opponent into a futile argument he has no hope=

of winning.

2) To rewrite history.

3) To ignore the facts e.g. "he often mazzarellied the true situation"

4) "He had me by the Mazzarellies" - (Collq.) to be caught in an unpleasant=


5) n. A person of mixed-up heritage esp. supporter of two countries.

From: (Alan Douglas)
Subject: Re: New Canadian Soccer newsgroup
Date: Thu, 03 Apr 1997

"tan boon leong" ( wrote:
>Can anyone provide me with information of Sheffield Wednesday?


Sheffield Wednesday plays in the small community of Sheffield, located
near the town of Liverpool on the east coast of the Canadian province
of Nova Scotia.  Because of the town's small population the team is
open to anyone who wants to play, but has traditionally been dominated
by teenage girls who like to take out their adolescent sexual
frustrations by kicking the crap out of the opposition's shins.  If
you've ever seen the teenage boys in Sheffield, you'll understand
their frustrations.

The team gets its unusual name in honour of its favourite English club
side, Leyton Orient.  You see Sheffield's only restaurant Leighton's
Fish Shack serves its oriental specialities (sweet and sour cod,
Peking cod, cod suey) only on Wednesdays.

Because of transportation problems (the community only has two cars
with a total of five wheels between them) the team doesn't play in a
league and instead has to make do hosting touring European sides.
Over the years they've managed some surprisingly good results against
world class opposition, possibly due to the fact that their playing
field is actually a frozen pond that's been painted green.

However they have had trouble attracting teams to play ever since
their controversial 2-1 win against Real Madrid last year.  The
talking point of the match was when Real keeper Buyo became frustrated
over his inability to take a goal kick on the ice without falling on
his ass, and ended up stomping on a baby seal that had wandered into
his six yard box.  An enraged group of environmentalists immediately
stormed the pitch and beat Buyo into unconsciousness.  The referee,
also an environmentalist, awarded Canada a penalty, and as Real had
used all their substitutions Buyo was kept in goal.  His limp body was
dragged to the goal line but 15 year old striker Peggy Tate's well
placed spot kick beat him cleanly, and Sheffield went on to win the
match.  This also marked the first time in history that a Spanish
keeper didn't move before a penalty was taken.

If you have any more questions about Sheffield Wednesday or Canadian
soccer in general, perhaps you should direct them to the new Canadian
soccer newsgroup which can be accessed by setting
your news server to or by pointing your browser at and following the appropriate links.

From: steve d (
Subject: 10 reasons for L'pool losing to PSG
Date: Fri, 11 Apr 1997

10 reasons for Liverpool losing to PSG:

1) UEFA's French Bias

Surely it's unfair for Liverpool to face a side comprising the best
players from the three best sides in France, namely Paris, Saint and
Germain. Why do UEFA allow the French Football Federation this latitude
with their European entrants?

2) Virtual Reality

After the recent revelations concerning David James and his predilection
for computer games, Roy Evans has enforced a strict no-gaming edict.
However James has got around this ban by having a microVDU surgically
inserted in his eye and by wearing gloves with movement sensors in the
fingertips thus allowing him to continue his obsessive hobby during the
game - as the technology is still in the experimental stage James is
having a few problems combining the arts of keeping and gaming.

3) The Spice Girls

Recent tabloid stories have revealed that David Beckham is dating Posh
Spice. With Liverpool now three points and one Spice Girl behind Man Utd
in the Premier League, arguments and petty jealousies have started to
tear apart the fabric of Liverpool as there is only one Spice Girl left
unattached - Sporty Spice. These arguments are spilling over onto the
field of play where the players now refuse to even pass to each other.

4) The rerelease of Star Wars

When George Lucas decided to update the original Star Wars he wanted to
include the monolithic Jabba the Hut. John Barnes' agent put him up for
the role and with Robert de Niro-like preparation, Barnes put on 100 kg.
Since filming has ended Barnes has struggled to lose this extra weight
thus reducing his onfield mobility.

5) The UK General Election

Robbie Fowler's focus is on political matters at the moment. After his
support for the sacked Liverpool dockers and his honest reaction in
trying to turn down a penalty against Arsenal, Fowler has been asked to
stand as an anti-corruption candidate in the forthcoming election,
preventing him devoting 100% of his effort to football.

6) The Double Agent

Michael Thomas j'accuse. You may have scored a goal for Liverpool in the
FA Cup final in 1992 but we all remember you scoring the goal that cost
Liverpool the League in '89. Admit it, you're still an Arsenal player at
heart aren't you?

7) Karate Kid 4 - the Irish Connection

Jason McAteer has been approached to star in Karate Kid 4 - the Irish
Connection. His recent training has thus focused on the neck high flying
kick rather than more mundane matters like passing and defending.

8) The mint-with-the-hole diet

Nutrition plays a large part in the life of a professional footballer.
The Italian's have their pasta diet, and the banana diet has proved
popular recently in helping aged footballers, such as Ray Wilkins and
Gordon Strachan, to extend their careers. Liverpool however have been
following the Polo "the mint with the hole" diet. From yesterday's
performance it would seem this extremely unusual measure has sapped all
energy from the players thereby preventing them from even breaking into
a gentle jog around the pitch. If only the management had realised that
an anagram of Liverpool is "Polo R Evil".

9) The Hale-Bopp comet

There has been much speculation recently that an alien spacecraft has
been hiding in the tail of the Hale-Bopp comet. This was confirmed last
night when during the first 5 minutes of the match Stan Collymore became
the first ever televised alien abductee. No other conclusion can be
reached on last night's evidence.

10) Referee Illiteracy

Many say the biggest problem with football is referee inconsistency. I
disagree. Referee illiteracy is a much greater problem. Witness the
referee disallowing the Liverpool goal last night for the sole reason
that he couldn't spell Steve McManamanaman. FIFA sort it out.

From: (Ariel Mazzarelli)
Subject: Top 10 razones futbol shocks USA
Date: 14 Apr 1997

10. No commercial interruptions, no timeouts, no constant substitutions.
9. No astroturf or chewing tobacco.
8. No fixed countdown with the clock.
7. No hands (except one guy who gets to wear gloves).
6. The referee often sucks, is sometimes bought, and is always vindictive.
5. No slapping your teammates on the ass--you kiss them instead.
4. No helmets, no caps, no sticks, no backboards.
3. Shirt-swap after the game.
2. Draws.
1. When the rivalry between two clubs is bitterest, each fan
claims that every policeman is a fan of the opposite club.

From: (Stig Oppedal)
Subject: NSJ update 14/4/97
Date: Apr 14, 1997

Illuminating examples of Ernst A. Lersveen's commentating style, taken from=

Blackburn Rovers vs Manchester United, 12/4/97: 

* "I mentioned before that David Beckham is dating Victoria from the Spice=

Girls. The Spice Girls are also campaigning for John Major in the upcoming=

election. Eric Cantona takes the corner..."

* "The Spice Girls are going to be performing live on a show in the United=

States. What people in Britain really want to know is - can the Spice Girls=

really sing?" Witty reply from the other commentator: "Heh, heh, heh..." 

* "Only a few minutes left now, and it doen't look like Blackburn will score=

again. I'd say there's a greater chance... a greater chance that Kjell Inge=

Rokke [Norwegian tabloid superstar in recent controversy over his driver's=

license] will be able to drive on the right hand side of the road in this
country... What I want to know is - is he allowed to drive his car, or=
he allowed to drive his car?"  Witty reply from the other commentator: "Heh,=

heh, heh."  "--oh, the ball comes in and Blackburn score!"

And a few weeks ago the anchorman at NRK's sports studio was absolutely
flabbergasted, a mere three-fourths of the way in the Englsih football
season, to discover that Middlesbrough play in the Premier League.

From: Steven Myers (
Subject: NIKE poem
Date: Fri, 18 Apr 1997

	We've been Swooshed!
	  by Steven Myers
        There once was a man who knew what to do
He wanted to build a very good shoe
        So he toiled at his task and worked through the night
And finally made a shoe that was right
        He held it up proud: achieving his wish
And placed on the side of each shoe a nice swoosh
        He made a decision that turned out most wise
Deciding that he should advertise!

        And advertise he surely did
In such a way that every kid
        And man and woman: girl and boy
Knew why it would be such a joy
        To buy a pair or two or three.
Shoes for you and shoes for me
        The add campaign planed like a war
Designed to get us in the store
        He advertised so much that we
Believe in their necessity
        It all seems great and lovely fun
But this here story, it's not done.

        We're told in adds the swoosh we love it
And way deep down those shoes we covet
        The preps and yups, and status seekers
Just love to wear them fancy sneakers
        Although they are just merely shoes
The need so great kids lives they loose
        Conditioned like old Pavlov's dog
Our mind's are bound in swooshed up fog
        From day to day it's on the news
That kids kill kids to get them shoes
        We obey when at the store
And buy those shoes forevermore

        The man who made the real nice shoe
He had another idea too
        I'll build those shoes so far away,
Away from the old U.S.A.
        Countries out in far flung places
I'll put them workers through their paces
        Of course I pay them, I am nice
A full day's wage-a bowl of rice.
        The cost of sneakers should be cheap
But prices always, way too steep!
        Cheapest wages makes those shoes
Yet cost so much.  We all lose.

        And what about those folks back home
Who walk the malls, in stores they roam
        They're out of work: jobs over seas
The few who work have a wage freeze
        Factories here all shut their door
They don't make shoes here anymore
        Unions, safety, living wage
To end these things is now the rage
        No jobs for him, no jobs for her,
Don't need jobs-be a customer!
        I don't want this to sound too crass
But every age has it's slave class
        Nefarious acts are all around
And profits rise in leaps and bounds
        In compassionate sincerity    
He well endowed the University
        If money from shoes is all you got
Respect I guess, it CAN be bought!

From: (Ariel Mazzarelli)
Subject: Re: [RT] Dr Martens League Premier Division, 19th April 1997
Date: 23 Apr 1997

Colin Morris ( wrote:
>Stephen Mulrine ( wrote:
>>Unfortunately not; Rovers' new stadium won't be ready until next season=
>>the current one isn't up to GM Vauxhall Conference standard.  They=
>>be allowed to ground-share (with Derby County) either - unlike Brighton &
>>Hove Albion who won't have their own stadium next season but will still be
>>allowed to play in the Conference if they go down.
>This isn't quite as silly as it sounds.

Like hell it ain't.

>The reason that Brighton will
>be allowed to play in the Conference is that the agreement that
>instituted automatic promotion and relegation to/from the League
>requires that the Conference accept the relegated team. Another
>example of when this might have come into play is when Northampton
>could have been relegated. I believe the Conference requires a
>four-sided ground, something Northampton didn't have at the time.

You know, your explanation, if that's what it was, doesn't clarify matters
one iota.

The fact remains that the Rovers have earned their promotion on the field
and the bureaucrats halt it on their desks. This is not football!

If ten guys in a pub and their bartender are good enough to beat every
team in England, they deserve to be called Champions and play in the
top division. THAT is football.

What happens if Diego takes a summer vacation in the Isle of Wight, has
the predictable success with the local lasses, and 18 years later eleven
little Diegos are kicking ass all over the country while still living with=

their Mums? Hmmm? "Sorry, you may be dancing rings around Arsenal but your=

stadium uses the wrong spice in its porridge." THIS IS NOT FOOTBALL.

The clubs arose out of local folks wanting a place to gather. THAT IS=

Unfortunately, nowadays you can be a stock market entry and still be
called a football team, but if you win your league by 10+ points you are
held back because your home ground does not serve Darjeeling in a
ceramic cup.

Bite me, bureaucrats.

Subject: Sacrilege!!
Date: Mon, 05 May 1997
From: Stig Oppedal (
[Leicester City 2, Manchester United 2]

BLISSFUL UNAWARENESS: 12 o'clock, beautiful spring day, Highbury pub in
Majorstuen (central Oslo), 15 minutes to kick-off, only 10-12 football
fans there, none of the usual crowd. Come On United!!

MILD BEWILDERMENT: midway through the first half, five or six middle-aged
women [sic] sit down for a beer, completely ignoring the game.

QUIET UNEASE: some more women come in for a beer. Surely they have
better things to do on a beautiful Saturday morning, like gardening or

HORRIBLE REALIZATION: half-time, women keep on pouring into Highbury,
some in shorts, some in track suits, some in ridiculous costumes, some
in - OH, NO!! IT CAN'T BE!! But it is. "The Grete Waitz Run". An annual
all-female running event that gathers 40,000 participants - and before
the second half all 40,000 are crammed in the pub.

UNAVOIDABLE CATASTROPHE: non-stop cackling, cackling, cackling,
cackling, cackling. Solskjaer equalizes! -> instant replay ->
predictable comment of "Oh, look girls, he scored again! It's 3-2!" ->
hysterical laughter. More cackling, cackling, cackling, cackling, you
can't hear Andy Gray, you can't even see the screen properly.

It's not like _I_ ever crashed one of their sacred rituals, like Mass or
a Tupperware party.


PS Yes, I know I sound like I'm dubbing a porno movie, but it's still
impolite to turn around and stare at someone.

Subject: Re: Cantona & France
Date: Mon, 12 May 1997 12:22:09 GMT
From: (Snaps) (Dennis Wayne Rodriguez) wrote:

>First, the French team does not desperately need anything.  They could
>win the World Cup today with their current side.

Maybe if you employed the worlds greatest hypnotist to convince them
that the match was only a friendly with nothing at stake, could they
conceivably win it.

Let's face it though, this is a more likely result in the next World Cup

                       France 1-2 San Marino
(Zidane '11)                    (Desailly o.g. '88, '89)
(Djorkaeff missed pen '44, '93)

Here are a few other basic truisms that will be fulfilled next summer:
Germany: They will be too old, lacking in any real star quality,
internal disruption will wreak havoc amongst the squad. They will reach
the final.

Holland: They will finally put to rest the bickering and backbiting that
has plagued them in past tournaments. You may expect the players to take
the field holding hands, a la Brazil 1994 (with the added aesthetic
bonus of a black-white-black-white pattern in the chain). They will be
unified and play like gods. For one game only. Expect World War III to
erupt the minute Johan Cruyff opens his mouth on Dutch television.

Italy: They will be at pains to emphasize that the first phase draw has
placed them in "The Group Of Death" -- just in case. Whichever player
the Italians decide will be their golden-boy at the World Cup is likely
to flop miserably. Some fringe player you've never heard of will be
responsible for every single memorable moment from the Italian team. He
will then miss a vital penalty.

Spain: Will flop. Clemente will be heard to mutter, "Fuck you, Madrid
cunts" at least three times at his press conferences.

African teams: Will get a wonderful result in the first round against a
European team. This will confirm that they are the best in the world and
that nobody else should bother even turning up. Elimination in the round
of 16 by the likes of Belgium and Norway will be blamed on the referee
and a FIFA-killed-Kennedy style conspiracy. African football will
finally be on the map (again).

England: Will not qualify -- in a most glorious manner. In the absence
of any recent World Wars to bolster our flagging international
reputation, we are far happier to forgo our inevitable World Cup victory
so that we may re-enact such spirited military debacles as Dunkirk.
Losing with guts is an art form.

Subject: ML$: Beach ball silliness in Denver
Date: 17 May 1997 20:01:04 -0700
From: (Oliver Tse)

I guess desparate MUTANT League $occer franchises will try desparate things.

From a Colorado Rapids (MLS) press release dated Saturday, May 17, 1997:

"DENVER (Saturday, May 17, 1997) The Colorado Rapids
kick off a three-game home stand tonight vs. Columbus Crew
with two fun promotions that are sure to be a
hit among soccer fans at Mile High Stadium.

"In the spirit of summer, Fans will bat around
1,000 inflated soccer beach balls that
will be dropped from the second deck into the
stands -- 500 on each side of Mile High
just after player introductions. 
But that's only half the fun."

Fans will be asked to bat the balls
during the playing of Beach Boys songs over
the Mile high Stadium sound system.  They'll be
told to grab the balls when a Beach Boys song ends. 
When the final Beach Boys song stops, fans
holding a ball marked with an "X" will get to
redeem the ball for a free certificate to
Water World amusement park in Westminster.  Fifty balls
on each side of the stadium will be marked with an "X"."

I don't know if I am suppose to laugh or cry after reading this.

Subject: Re: ML$: Beach ball silliness in Denver
Date: 21 May 1997 01:02:00 -0700
From: (Ariel Mazzarelli)

Ok, maybe they're reaching. But it sounds like fun. Granted, I am
prejudiced because of a pleasant experience.

The year was 1994, USA baseball was returning from yet another
strike/lockout season, and I had decided not to give an expletive
about the LA Dodgers anymore. But I'd seen that Nomo kid pitch on tv,
and he was good. So when my friend suggested we go see him, I agreed.

Nomo got shelled and he was out by the fifth inning. The Dodgers
were playing the Phillies (a lame team) and they were losing by a couple
of runs even though they kept getting men on base--and promptly leaving
them there, sometimes via some very stupid decisions (this is like when
Brasil "dominates" but blows all their scoring chances). And then the
game was prematurely cancelled, and I never went to another baseball
game after that and for the foreseeable future I won't go again.

And yet, it was a very satisfying, entertaining evening. The rest of the
story is that that night was Ball Night, where every fan 14 and under in
attendance received a rubber baseball courtesy of the Los Angeles Dodgers.
Unfortunately, I was not able to convince the folks at the gate that I was
14 and under, so I didn't get a ball, but lots of kids did. When the Dodgers
got the bases loaded with nobody out in the bottom of the fifth, Lasorda
decided to pull Nomo out of the game for a pinch-hitter who struck out.
The next guy hit into a double play, and there we were, no runs, nonomo.
So one of the kids, God bless him, decided to throw one of the souvenir
rubber baseballs. Dozens followed his example, and the game was halted for
about 15 minutes. Eventually the balls were picked up and the game was
resumed, with a stern announcement by the announcer that the game would be
cancelled if that happened again. The Dodgers left two runners onbase in
each of the next two innings, and loaded them up in the eigth and scored
a run or two--the point is that the Phillies were still lame and still
winning. So when they scored an insurance run in the top of the ninth and
final (barring extra) inning, and the Dodgers were about to bat, the
Phillies once again got the rubber baseballs, and this time, it was
too many to count. Everybody who had one threw it, it seemed. The Phillie
outfielders were great, they just stood there unintimidated, even tossing
one back occcasionally. The announcer would bellow, and more balls would
get tossed. The game was cancelled, and the Dodger players, God bless them,=

felt that it was the fans that had let *them* down.

If only I'd had a beachball handy when I met Rotten Al.

Subject: Spice Boys To Split?
Date: 19 May 1997 23:37:54 GMT
From: "Pat Mattimoe" (

TOP Liverpool super-group The Spice Boys are to split, according to
industry sources.  The multi-million pound outfit are said to be gutted
after failing, again, to top the charts this year. 
And the hunt is on for the signatures of several of the top stars after it
was confirmed that they can actually write their own names.

The Spice Boys came to prominence several years ago but it was only last
year that they made a real impact on the charts.
Their hit single "Passin' Move" got to no. 2 in the charts and was followed
up by the classics "Pass 'N' Pass", "Pass All Day" and "Past It".  Yet,
despite tens of millions of singles sold (and passes made), they never had
a No. 1 chart success.
What endeared the super-group most to the fans was not the hit singles but
their on-stage antics, which often got out of hand.  A favourite prank was
for roadie Dave CoolJay to appear on stage in the middle of a set and
prance about like a ballerina on speed.  This usually brought the house
down and was a great hit on tour.
Speculation is mounting about the future of the boys
* Teen heart-throb Jamie (Baby Spice) is said to be fed up with the
business and "may go home to mammy", according to one source.
* Hunky John (Old Spice) is believed to be interested in managing a band.
* Dreamy Steve (Curly Spice) will be in huge demand because he's been
credited with most of the arrangements and mixing on the bands hit singles.
* Dishy Phil (Iced Spice) has been out of the headlines recently.  It's
believed that he may be changing his musical direction, although changing
direction always gave him problems before.
* Group leader Robbie (Vice Spice) may pursue a solo career.  He was unable
to finish the current tour following an on-stage row with a rival group
member.  In scenes reminiscent of Oasis v Blur, Robbie and David Worthuns
of The Toffees clashed live on TV and were asked to leave the stage by the
MC.  Robbie has often said that he liked to work alone and he may now have
the opportunity to do just that.

Subject: Clone Football 2020 dilemma
Date: Mon, 18 Aug 1997 11:20:07 +0200
From: Stig Oppedal (

By some hideous mistake, you have cloned a midfield trio of Brolin,
Brolin, and Brolin, with Brolin also occupying two of the three forward
positions. Your opponent, true to his Rio de la Plata origins, has lined
up Argentina '94 reinforced by Fillol, Passarella, Maradona '86, and

You stare certain humiliation in the face, but your opponent has also
messed around with the "repeat" button and cloned Passarella as director
tecnicale, so all hope is not lost. In addition, you have one more
player to choose for your team.

Do you then:

A. clone Maradona '86 yourself, and hope for some brilliant solo goals?
B. clone Gerd Mueller, and pray that the Brolins can create at least two
clear chances so that Der Bomber can make it a hat-trick?
C. clone some volatile Brazilian forward, while simultaneously cloning
Jo=E3o Havelange as FIFA President in order to ensure a wide range of
dubious goals (offside, handball, etc)?
D. clone David James, disguise him as an Argentinian, and convince
Passarella (DT version) that he is better than Fillol?

Personally, I feel that A is akin to fighting a forest fire with a
blazing tree, B is asking for too much (from the Brolins), and D (while
quite possible) leaves you a player short and a kindergarten in attack.
So I say: "Why gamble? Jo=E3o for prez in 2020" - just remember not to
select Pel=E8, or else the expected "Havelange effect" will spectacularly
fail to materialize.


PS. Of course, you could always just convert one of the dressing rooms
into a night club, watch in "despair" as the Brolins defect en masse
(leaving you "no choice" but to cancel the game), rent out the Brolins
on an extramarital basis (no pedophiles, please), and use the profits to
clone Romania '94 (some might suggest Bulgaria '94, but then you would
have to dismantle the night club).

Subject: Insults...
Date: 01 Sep 1997 17:58:45 +0200
From: Steve Jones - JON (

As I await the kraken that is my application to awake from its slumber my
mind turned to insults.  Often we here "He's the next George Best" or
"Like Cruyff at his best" in the way of plaudits.  Surely there is a
missing marketplace for equivalent insults so I would like to start
a campaign for comparative insults, these can be aimed at specific players
or more generic terms.  And to get it rolling...

Ravanelli, he's okay but he's no Steve Claridge.
Iwan Roberts, a sort of Ian Dowie, without the skill.

He's got the tempermant of Wright and the finishing of Cole.
He's the next Geoff Thomas/Andy Sinton/Jason Lee.

He combines the pace of Sheringham with the intelligence of Steve Bould.
He has the mental steel of a Robert Baggio or Gareth Southgate.

He can trap a ball further than I Juninho could pass it.
His passing reminds me alot of Dave Beasant.

He's as ugly as Zola but that's where the comparison ends.
He and Ba share the same hairdresser, the same boots, and different planets.

He combines Giggs right foot with Macca's left foot and the heading
ability of Zola.

He is to football what Denis Rodman is to baseball.

Subject: Re: Pele to clean up in Brazil.
Date: 16 Sep 1997 17:59:04 +0200
From: Steve Jones - JON ( (Markian) writes:
> To think that a man of 80 (let's be realistic here, who even expects
> to be alive at 80?) continues to hold the highest position of the
> worlds biggest sport, is a seriously sad state of affairs.

Yup that would be like having a facist in charge of the largest sporting
body in the world or some extremely dodgy character in charge of=

Hang on a minute, what is the requirement for the leading jobs in sport ?

Wanted : Person to front large international sporting body.

The successful candidant must be completely self confident, some would
say manically egotistical but you can ignore them, and a total power freak.
You should take personal object at any reasonable suggestion you didn't=
of your self.  The candidate should not only know the meaning of the
term nepotism but actively encourage it within the organisation and beyond.
The candidate should consider the body to be his own personal play thing
and all of those over whom he has control as serfs.

Previous experience is required of organising large bodies of people, the
area this experience was gained in is not important.  The candidate should
have strong opinions of other peoples and nations not his own and be willing
to stick by them no matter what the facts to the contrary.  The most
important requirement is however that the candidate have a god complex.


Kurt Waldheim for next FIFA boss ?

Subject: [R] Tony "The Wall" Meola, The Greatest American Goalkeeper Ever=
Date: 26 Sep 1997 09:17:04 -0400
From: (Chuck Pearson)

i am now collecting case stories demonstrating the sheer dominance of Tony
"The Wall" Meola, The Greatest American Goalkeeper Ever [tm], over all other
'keepers in american soccer.

you may ask what inspired me to such a noble task.  i'll tell you.  a
piece of playing in last night's defensive struggle between the columbus
side and the new york/new jersey/connecticut/delaware/pennsylvania side
struck me as summing, as well as possible, exactly what this great
american 'keeper is all about.

meola gave columbus a corner kick after mishandling a save over the back
line.  robert warzycha served a good ball to mike clark [not known as a
dominant player in the air] on his corner, and clark headed a ball smack
at meola.

then, Tony "The Wall" Meola, The Greatest American Goalkeeper Ever [tm],
lets the ball smack him, bobbles the ball in his hands a time or two, and
smacks the ball with the back of his hand into the waiting net.

NY/NJ/CT/DE/PA 0-1 Columbus.  Clark, 70'.

the resulting loss, coupled with new england's 2-1 victory over dallas,
ensures that meola's MetroStars! will finish in fifth place of five in the
MLS eastern conference.

i am looking for similar stories from other r.s.s readers.  please post
them or send them along to me at the above address.  together, we can show
the world the truth about the true unheralded greatness of Tony "The Wall"
Meola, The Greatest American Goalkeeper Ever.

chuck [sing along with me, if you will:  "meola! MetroStar!..."]

Subject: Re: [R] Tony "The Wall" Meola
Date: Sat, 27 Sep 1997 22:23:45 -0500
From: Paul Mettewie (

Steve Sutton wrote:
>   I've never seen this Meola fella play.  Is he better than Keller?

Only if KK has been shot twice in each foot, had a safe tied to
him,forced to drink two kegs of Guinness, run over with a tank, dropped
from the Tower of London, drug around the field by his ankles by a
gang of Hell's Angels, impregnated with Strontium 227, used as a
weather vane on top of the North Pole, and finally, last but not least,
made to listen to the 10 greatest motivational speeches of Bora
Milutinovic over and over again.

And even then, Keller would be better on crosses and clears,
but he would be slightly worse than Meola on head balls.

-Riff"Catch my drift?"ster

Subject: Re: opinions on Keller
Date: Tue, 30 Sep 97 04:08:43 GMT
From: (Colin Morris)

Robert Kimmerle ( wrote:
>well, okay.  meola's crap now.  but it's important to make clear that he
>was our best player in the '90 mondiale.  slag on him now, fine, and i
>agree, but don't forget your history.

Or you yours. Did you spend the US v Czechoslovakia game in a coma thereby=

being anaesthetised to those almost identical near post goals from corners?

Subject: The World Cup (was: Please let me indulge...)
From: (Markian Jaworsky)
Date: 5 Oct 1997 14:49:42 GMT

Benny ( wrote:
: You may not know this but some people actually don't really care for the
: World Cup.

 I sincerely hope that anyone who is at least merely interested in the
game does not share the same opinion.  When that month of football
brought to you on almost a daily prescription, arrives, there can
be nothing more important.  It is when you have the utter most
burning desire to get your old ball out and a few mates and have
a little game in the park.  And you are convinced that having
watched the latest game, your own skills have improved twice over.

In the month leading up to the tournament, you have at least 5 copies
of group teams&fixtures.  One for your bedroom wall, one for the
lounge coffee table, one that you scribble in your "wish" results,
another that you refrain from scribbling on, and another almost for
the sake of having 5 but only because it has a picture of the play-
maker in the team you want to see progress.  From having looked
at the fixture so many times, you have a photographic memory
of it in your head, but you quickly fill in the results on your
sheets as soon as the come to hand.

You sit yourself in front of the TV, counting down the minutes
until the highlights show begins...  Which brings you the highlights
of the 2 or 3 matches you had just watched in full, starting about
12 hours ago.  But you convince yourself that you will gain
something more from these highlights.  Yes, you get the opinion
of former players and alleged respectable figures in the game.
Only to know full well, that on the majority of the time
you can't agree with anything they say, and you think they are
full of shit.

After the frenzy of football that is the first round, you get
excited beyond belief in anticipation of the second round and
beyond, knowing that each game will be sudden death...
And then eventually, the cold turkey of football/soccer withdrawal!
Then you start with all the "could haves", "should haves",
"ifs/buts", "shocker refs", etc...  Venting your anger of
going cold turkey at some decision that really would not have
made a rats arse of difference to the prospects of the teams
you wanted to see go further.

What more could you ask for?

Subject: Hurry, Hurry, Hurry! Get Your 1997 Model Milan Players Cheap!!!
Date: Fri, 10 Oct 1997 19:33:32 -0500
From: Paul Mettewie (

And now a word from our sponsor, Opel Motor Car Division:

Cut to a soccer field with Silvio Berlusconi standing in front of
group of soccer players kicking (and sometimes even controlling)
soccer balls. Berlusconi also has a policeman standing on each
side of him.....

Silvio:  Ladies and Gentleman, we are announcing a sale of our
           current models as we make way for the new improved 1998
           models. First, the 1997 Davids is being sold for an unheard-
           of low, low price. It's so low I can't tell you the price! The
           Davids features automatic pouting, referee baiting and we
           include free medical insurance in the sale as well!!!

           Our 1997 Bogarde, with its' special reverse gear overdrive
           is available in variety of colors, it might be blue and red, it
           was red and black and it was red and white, sometimes it
           is even orange. We will paint it to suit you, or you can paint
           it on your own!

           Our 1997 Ziege. Runs everywhere with no great effect on
           your wallet (or anything else for that matter). We have many
           inquiries on this model, so hurry up and put yourself down
           for one of these. Be the first on your block to own a Christian.

           Over here we have our 1997 Savicevic. A true collector's
           item. The owner had to sell it in order to accomodate a
           bigger family. It needs a little fixing up and you can have
           the occasional break-down, but how many people have
           brushes with true "genius"?

           And as a bonus, we will include with any sale, for a nominal
           fee or a real keeper in return, either a 1997 Rossi or a 1997
           Taibi -- they both look good standing in you driveway or
           your front yard or on your window sill! Don't worry about
           leaving them out in the rain! They are built to stand there

Police: said it would only be a minute. The judge wants
           to see you in his chambers. Something about a bribe....

(The policemen tug at the reluctant Silvio's sleeves. He asks for one
 more sentence or two (before the judge pronounces his own "sentence".....)

Silvio:   When you think about a purchase, think about us! We are
          certainly thinking of Milan! Er. Bye from Milan!

-Riff"We got red ones, we got black ones, we got red and black ones!"Ster

Subject: Futbol: The Heimlich Award goes to...
Date: 11 Oct 1997 20:39:40 -0700
From: (Oliver Tse)

Introducing the Heimlich Awards for big time international futbol choke

Previous "receipients":

1989:  Trinidad and Tobago.  Needing a draw at home to advance to Italia
       '90, the islanders declared a national holiday on the Monday
       following their final World Cup qualifier.  Somebody forgot
       to tell the Gringos, especially one Paul Caligiuri, to cooperate. 

       China.  Needing just a draw in Singapore against Qatar
       in the final World Cup qualifier to qualify, China lost 2-1.

1993:  France.  Needing just a draw in its final two home
       World Cup qualifiers, "le Coq" first lost to Israel 2-0,
       then completed the choke job exactly 90 minutes into the
       final match against Bulgaria when Kostadinov's bomb
       from way downtown (as in the mid-field stripe)
       found the back of the net.

       Japan.  Leading Iran 2-1 90 minutes into the final
       World Cup qualifier at Doha, Qatar, Japan surrendered a corner.
       Iran headed home the equalizer off the corner, setting off
       a wild celebration across town where the Republic of Korea
       national team was watching the scoreboard seconds after winning
       its match against DPR Korea.

New "receipient":

1997:  Finland.  Needing just a draw against Hungary to avoid elimination
       and leading 1-0 90 minutes into its final
       World Cup qualifier in Helsinki, the Finns surrendered a corner.
       The Hungarians sent the pelota into the box, where it pinballed
       off several Finns before finding the back of the net for
       a disgraceful own goal.

       Greece.  Needing at least one goal at home in front of 80000
       fanaticos against Denmark to avoid elimination, the Greeks got nada.

More "receipients" to join this dubious list?  We'll find out
in November.  Potential candidates once again include China and Japan,
as well as Italia and Estados Unidos.

Subject: Peruvian jokes
Date: Tue, 14 Oct 1997 21:41:08 +0100
From: Stig Oppedal (
[WCQ: Chile 4, Peru 0]

How many Peruvians does it take to fix a hydro-electric power station?

Four. One to deny the power station exists, one to defiantly point out
that the '78 World Cup team lost by six goals (not four), one to call
the Argentinian embassy for help, and one to switch on the alternative
power source (a zloty-furnace from 1982).

How many Peruvians does it take to let in a goal?

Four. One to open the door and three to watch.

How many goals does it take to teach a Peruvian the basics of defending?

Four. Hence the final question:

How many Peruvians does it take to book a flight to France?

20,000,011. 11 to play and 20 million to pray.

Ecuadorianly yours,

Subject: New WCQ Proposals
Date: Thu, 23 Oct 1997 19:11:23 -0700
From: steve d (

There has been much controversy in RSS recently about the fairness of
the World Cup Qualifying process. I have given some thought to this over
the last couple of weeks and propose the following:

Phase 1:

Eliminate all teams who have yet to win a World Cup. If they haven't won
one by now they never will. These eliminated countries can play for the
Inter-Toto World Plate which will be broadcast tape-delayed on
ESPN-Fox-3-Sport-Elmundo after "War of the Monster Trucks" (unless the
Pan-American Under 14 Tiddlywinks 3rd-4th place play-off overruns).

Phase 2:

The remaining six teams retire to a small bar in Switzerland (populated
by some familiarly shifty looking bartenders) for a drinking competition
thus eliminating Brazil, Argentina, Uruguay and Italy.

Phase 3:

We go straight to a penalty shoot out in which Germany beat England

And the beauty of this proposal is the quick turn around time. A World
Cup could be held every day - and if Brazil, Argentina, Uruguay and
Italy are lucky they may find England and Germany suffering from massive
hangovers and thus progress to the final by default.