Jan 9, 1998 Libero vs. Sweeper - An Off Topic Story (Paul Mettewie) Jan 12, 1998 USSF and MLS to change their names (Howard Hamilton) Jan 25, 1998 Maharishi Merson ("Snaps") Feb 8, 1998 Two South American commentating greats (Juan Gonzalez) Feb 11, 1998 Blatter strikers again (Steve Jones) Feb 11, 1998 USA 1 Brazil 0: Top 10 Brazilian Excuses (Alan Douglas) Mar 13, 1998 The first Oriundi (Ariel Mazzarelli) Mar 14, 1998 You might be a US soccer fan.... (Howard Hamilton) Mar 16, 1998 Kakao and Limpinne (Stig Oppedal) Apr 22, 1998 The Top 206 Brazilian Bridge Players ("Devin", Kevin Cabral) Apr 30, 1998 SOS - Save Our Scalpers (Stig Oppedal) May 3, 1998 Patada of the Week (Ariel Mazzarelli) May 5, 1998 Portuguese lesson (Alex Mizuki) May 7, 1998 AOL's biological warfare (Alan Douglas) May 25, 1998 Chile v Uruguay Marcelo Weinberger) May 30, 1998 Nottingham Forest (Ariel Mazzarelli, et al) Jun 2, 1998 Top 10 reasons why Iran will beat USA (anon) Jun 5, 1998 Top 10 Reasons the USA Will Beat Iran (Alan Douglas) ====================================================== Subject: Re: Libero vs. Sweeper - An Off Topic Story Date: Fri, 09 Jan 1998 16:08:33 -0600 From: Paul Mettewie (email@example.com) Marco Paserman wrote: > But who invented the libero? In the 30s and 40s most teams played > either the "W" (2-3-5) or the W-M (3-2-5) formations. The center-half > would mark the opposing centerforward, the two full backs would mark > the inside forwards or the wings, and the half backs would mark > the other two attacking players. Those famous old 5-man attacks!!! A funny story about that (I need to smile now) was at the American School of Milan, an American and multinational high school in Italy (that me and Massa Sugano - many years later for Massa - went to while living in Milano.) I was playing goalie for the soccer team. Our coach, an older American man whose previous experience with soccer was probably a college course and two old textbooks, called us in for the first team meeting of the season (and this was in the seventies) He drew what appeared to be a 5-3-2 on the board and then placed me on the wrong side of it. I stood up and pointed out that I hoped that I would not be playing in front of the attackers (and so did the attackers, including my best friend who said I only dribbled well when eating.) Yes, I was a wiseass. (Some things never change.) He said with a surprised expression that I was behind the two defenders where all keepers belong. We stared at one another. My best friend cussed under his breath in Italian. The room was very quiet. No one could belive it, except for a couple of newly arrived Americans who were only out for the soccer team because their girlfriends were soccer cheerleaders (yes, we had cheerleaders... which we didn't mind because they travelled with us on road trips to Switzerland and such....:))) ) Our Brasilian winger, an advocate of attacking soccer, was even shocked. He kept punching me in the arm and giggling, saying "You had better wear two cups this year, Paul!" And an American football helmet, too. hee hee." Of course, being a troublemaker from the start, I stood up and asked him if we were really going to play five attackers. My best friend stood up and said that he (a future Division I player in the USA), and the Brasilian and a small fast American could handle the attack just fine. The coach said that the formation was proven (but didn't say *when* it was proven) and we would use it in our first game against the International School of Milan. And he also told Eric to shutup and sit down (in more polite terms, because this guy was very soft-spoken.) NO! Not those bastards! We had a bitter rivalry with them and they would feast on a two defender back line! Well, we practiced the next week with a 2-3-5 against our reserves. They even scored on us, (the first stringers) something that they NEVER did. I had to bear the misfortune of being scored on by some of the worst soccer players to ever to pretend to be that on a pitch in Milano. Humiliating. And this was just practice (Hmmm... sounds like a certain Italian Cup game but I digress from my digression.) So the game against the International School came. The only moment I can really remember was the stunned look on the face of the tall German that played center forward for the International school when he saw five players from the American school lined up on the mid- field line. That shocked look changed to a smile within minutes though. I remember lying on my side at lot, coughing out dust from the worn area in front the goal. I also remember screaming a lot at my paltry defense to get back (they WERE all back, it's just that there weren't enough of them there to really be called a defense.) Anyway......6-1 loss. And the sad thing was, the coach stayed with formation for another three games, before the principal suggested to him (and the principal was hardly a soccer fan) that he try another formation (I think some dads did some talking here...). We went to a 1-3-3-3 (the catenaccio style that was in vogue in Italy then) and played much better the rest of the year. At least I got a chance to stand up now and then anyways..... -Riff"A shellshocked keeper (and fan)"Ster ============================================ Subject: USSF and MLS to change their names Date: 12 Jan 1998 21:47:55 GMT From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Howard H. Hamilton) [Note: Alan Rothenburg quoted as wanting to experiment with rule changes] Just got this off Nando. I wasn't expecting Rotten Al to act that quickly. ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' USSF, MLS to change their names (c) Copyright 1998 NandoNut (c) Copyright 1998 Reuters Information Service NEW YORK - (January 12, 1998 - 13:00 EST) - Alan Rothenburg, president of the United States Soccer Federation, announced that his country's federation and top-division soccer league would change their names to better reflect the future of the game in the United States. "We are in the entertainment business," said Rothenburg in a press conference. "In order to achieve a greater share of the market, soccer must continue to evolve or it will be left behind other major sports, like basketball and American football. The United States have always been at the forefront of bold and novel ideas in the world, and we should do the same in soccer. To better reflect this new attitude, the USSF and MLS will change their names." The new names of the federation and the league will be the United States Calvinball Federation and Major League Calvinball, respectively. "We Americans like to change the rules of the game as we go along order to ensure our continued dominance, and the word 'Calvinball' best portrays that attitude," Rothenburg said. "We wanted to reach the vast number of Americans who were readers of the 'Calvin and Hobbes' comic strip. We felt that if we could get those readers to become fans, then the economic future of the game in this country would be assured." The new logo of Major League Calvinball would change from a soccer shoe kicking a ball to a six-year-old boy wearing a mask around the eyes and running with a ball. "It symbolizes the future of soccer," Rothenburg proclaimed. Proposed changes in Major League Calvinball would include the intro- duction of an invisible penalty zone, which would be invoked at any time by the referee, and a hopping zone, which when activated will force the defending players to hop on one foot for three min- utes. "The hopping zone will make the game more exciting, and the invisible penalty zone shouldn't be any different than what our referees were doing before," Doug Logan, MLC commissioner said. "I truly believe that within five years you will be seeing these new rules in soccer leagues around the world." Logan also said that the league would eventually introduce time- fracture wickets and the new rule zone, where players will be able to invent new rules if they are on a secret location of the field. Bill Watterson, the creator of 'Calvin and Hobbes', and FIFA, soccer's world governing body, could not be reached for comment. ========================= Subject: Maharishi Merson Date: Sun, 25 Jan 1998 01:37:04 GMT From: Snaps@kavana.u-net.com (Snaps) Brother Paul, Your journey begins. You are now at a stage in this life where you can begin to ponder spiritual issues, such as your place in the world and the world's placement in you. As you contemplate, consider that there are two paths available to us -- a path of light, a path of darkness. Your actions in the physical world determine the path you take in the spiritual world. Open thine eyes and tred carefully, young traveller! For you now find yourself at a cusp, a junction where the pathways intertwine and become rocky. You must fight physical demons in your world to stay on the path of light in the Other world! Think back to your earthly past and consider the path you were on. Remember the way you led your life. Remember that you allowed yourself to be lured by wine and women. Remember that you were addicted to cocaine. Remember that you gambled away your days and drank away your nights. Consider the reaction to these actions. Consider not only yourself, but your own self-portrait to the world from without. For verily, during this period of your life you were truly on the path of light. You were celebrated. You were treated with compassion and patted on the back. You recieved absolutely no punishment and all good folk were relieved and happy for this (despite the feeble assertions from pious people that what they saw was "clear and undeniable criminal activity from a repeat offender and he should not be allowed to escape criminal proceedings just because he blubbered at a press conference and had the tabloids on his side.") But now the outlook is darker, Paul. We now discover a heinous crime has indeed been commited this very day. Committed by your hand and by your mind. It is a very grave situation. Did you think this crime would go unnoticed? Did you think of the consequences? Were you aware that you not only risk your soul, but the souls of those who consider you a worthy example to follow? This is very grave, Paul. For as sure as day follows night, one thing we can be certain of in this world is that the man who kisses his shirt after scoring against Arsenal is the man who risks throwing his very soul into the fiery pits of Hell. Satan is in you, Paul! Cast out the wretch or all is lost! ------------- [Note: Earlier in the season, Manchester United's Teddy Sheringham (ex-Spurs) had been censured for making the same gesture to the Arsenal fans.] ================================ Subject: Re: Spanish commentator Date: Sun, 08 Feb 1998 20:01:48 GMT From: email@example.com (Juan Gonzalez) The best commentator I've ever heard is Uruguayan and his name is Victor Hugo Morales. He does radio in Argentina. If you have real audio you can hear one of his goals here: http://www.stealth.net/~dolina/fotos.html This is a goal on a free kick by Enzo Francescoli. Victor Hugo as he has done many times predicts the goal well before the kick is taken. His play by play style seems like poetry and is great to listen to. On the same page there is also a clip from the best Argentine TV comentator. Marcelo Araujo. Although I think Ramos is very good he doesn't come close to these 2 guys who are on another level like Pele and Maradona. ------------------------------- Subject: Re: Spanish commentator Date: Mon, 09 Feb 1998 21:08:59 GMT From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Juan Gonzalez) Walter Garcia-Fontes (email@example.com) wrote: >I haven't heard much of Araujo, though, but what I've heard is too much for >me. Sounds too "porteño canchero" (prototype of arrogant Buenos Aires >dweller) for my taste... I guess you can say that but the man has revolutionized how the game is called on TV. You can watch a boring game and like it just because he is doing the game. No one on TV can compare and only Victor Hugo Morales is better but he does radio. I'll never forget the time Araujo said he would leave if a player scored the goal. The player had gotten by a few defenders and the goal would have been incredible if scored. At that point Araujo said "Si hace esta me voy" (If he makes this one I'm leaving). Well, the goal was scored and he did leave saying "Senores y senoras, muy buenas noches" (Ladies and Gentlemen, good night), a few moments passed and the color comentator broke the silence saying something like "well as you can see Marcelo has kept his promise". This is great stuff and there are many other stories like that. Sure he is mostly an act but at least a very good one. ================================ Subject: Blatter strikers again Date: 11 Feb 1998 15:29:16 +0100 From: Steve Jones (firstname.lastname@example.org) Los Angeles, Feb 11 (Reuters) - Sepp Blatter the FIFA General Secretary today suggested that rule changes were needed to aid strikers. Blatter, whose previous suggestions have included banning tackling, was speaking at a FIFA sponsored dinner being hosted by the USSF. After watching The USA beat Brazil by the only goal in the game Blatter commented "Quite clearly there isn't enough scoring in the game these days, this needs to be addressed so football can reach a wider audience". He suggested that a team should be allowed to nomiate which member of the opposition they wish to play keeper."Quite clearly Brazil wouldn't have chosen Keller tonight and the result would have been a lot more goals" Blatter commented. FIFA President Havelange was said to favour the idea citing instances like the famous Gordon Banks' save against Pele for England, "If Charlton had been the keeper then that would have been a goal, and so the match would have been more exciting.". Brazilian superstar Ronaldo backed the idea saying "Forwards are the most expensive players and when the keepers, who are normally pretty cheap, save our shots they make us look more stupid, people pay to see me score goals I don't see why anyone should stop me". But there was scorn cast on the idea from other circles, Bobby Charlton commented "Take away the keepers and you take away the skill from scoring, its a non starter.", Franz Beckenbaur backed Charlton saying "The keeper is the most important member of the team... if I'm not playing of course". England hero Gordon Banks reacted furiously to the suggestion "It takes alot of dedication to be a keeper, the idea that just anyone could take over is just plain wrong, it would kill the game". MLS President Alan Rothenborg said however that MLS would be delighted to test this rule in the coming season. ======================================= Subject: Re: Top 10 Brasilian Excuses Date: Wed, 11 Feb 1998 15:57:40 GMT From: email@example.com (Alan Douglas) [CONCACAF Gold Cup sf: USA 1 Brazil 0] GODWIN_VA@webtv.net wrote: >some nominations: Leave it to a WebTVer to make a Top Ten list with only 3 entries. >From the branch office in West Vancouver, British Columbia: Top Ten Brazilian Team Excuses -------------------------------------------------- 10) Keller in goal? We were expecting Meola. 9) Preki only has one name so we thought he was on our team. 8) We got all dehydrated from not drinking the water before remembering that's for Mexico. 7) Were afraid that if we won we might get a congratulatory call from the White House and that Clinton would hit on us. 6) Six words: beer and hookers, hookers and beer. 5) Just too gosh darned disappointed that we didn't get to meet Madonna. 4) The Americans were just too good for us. No no! Wait that's not what we meant... we were abducted by aliens... yeah, aliens, that's it. 3) We stayed up the entire night before watching Olympic coverage before realising that Brazil hasn't even sent a team to Nagano. 2) Got totally overconfident after reading all the CONCALAUGH posts in Usenet. And the Number One Brazilian Team Excuse: 1) Romario to Edmundo: "my turn to score the hat trick? I thought it was YOUR turn?" ============================================================= Subject: The first Oriundi (was Re: Argentina-Bulgaria [R]) Date: 13 Mar 1998 15:10:01 -0700 From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Ariel Mazzarelli) Marco Paserman dixit: > Ariel Mazzarelli writes: > >[snip list of candidates for the albiceleste with Italian >names and Italian blood: if Argentina is any good at futbol, >that's because of the high percentage of Italian genes >in its population; same goes for Uruguay, of course] Italian genes? I take it you have not heard of the recent finding in the Parana delta of the long-lost tomes from the Titus Livius opus. The most important discovery is that Book I had a preface, in which Livius states conclusively that Romulus and Remus were oriundi. Based on his description, we now know that their birthplace was located in what is today called Caseros, a suburb of Buenos Aires. Furthermore, Romulus and Remus were not just twins--they were triplets. Their third brother was called Montevideus. After his brothers left and made their fortune, he felt the urge to emulate them without the complications of a long voyage across the Atlantic, so he swam across the Rio de La Plata and founded a small settling on the other side. Because the trip was shorter, he was able to substitute a cow for the female wolf. ========================================== Subject: You might be a US soccer fan.... Date: 14 Mar 1998 13:46:05 GMT From: howardh@cremins.NOSPAM.stanford.edu (Howard H. Hamilton) You might be a US soccer fan if... * you know how to say chants in more than two languages * you use your vacation time to follow the US national team * you've learned a new language just so you can understand soccer broadcasts on shortwave * you are stunned when you see a pro-American crowd in a stadium in your own country * you think of a match in California as an away game * other attendees look at you strangely when you stand up and sing * someone comes up to you during a match and tells you to sit down because 'you're making too much noise' * you religiously listen to 'Sports Roundup' on BBC World Service * you wish that there was a way to clone Martin Tyler or Toby Charles * you hope that the rules will get changed so that Mia Hamm could play for the men's national team * your local MLS team is more concerned about acquiring a player of the right ethnic makeup than acquiring a good player * you can do a better job of pronouncing soccer players' names than the announcers on ESPN * the president of the federation suggests bigger goals and three-point zones, and you're not surprised to hear it * you know the location of every bar within a 50-mile radius that shows the English Premiership on closed-circuit TV * you can't remember the last time you saw the FA Cup Final for free * you CAN remember the last time you couldn't watch the US national team play a World Cup qualifier * you can remember missing a goal in a soccer match because they went to a commercial * you still recall the 'hang time' clocks and 'MITRE PowerShot' radar guns * you can find better news on the US national team in foreign newspapers than your hometown paper * Alexi Lalas and Carlos Valderrama wigs don't look weird to you * ties seem strange and shootouts seem normal * you hear 'the official time is now kept by the referee' at stadiums and it doesn't strike you as odd * the league trophy is named for someone who's still alive * you know the proper plural term for 'stadium' * you keep telling your friends from overseas that the US is only 10-15 years away from beating the rest of the world * you told your friends from overseas 10 years ago that the US was only 10-15 years away from beating the rest of the world ================================================ Subject: Re: TB or not TB? (Re: "Hands of God") Date: Mon, 16 Mar 1998 12:24:01 +0100 From: Stig Oppedal (email@example.com) Massa Sugano wrote: > Had Brolin not been injured, Juve would never have become the leading force in > world club football. The most talented Scandinavian football player since Nils > Liedholm, he had greater potential than Miki Laudrup. Regarding this sweeping claim as to which Scandinavian player of the last 30-40 years has possessed the greatest talent and "potential", I don't see how you can possibly ignore Limpinne and Kakao. Nils Limpinne was, as you might recall, the tricky Danish winger who played in the same Ajax youth team as Marco van Basten. Limpinne's amazing dribbling abilities spellbound opposing defenders, who could never - and I mean never - take the ball away from his right foot. Unfortunately, Limpinne could never get rid of the ball himself; in the end, the only thing that stuck to him was the label of "the next Jesper Olsen". "Kakao" Medkrem warmed many a Norwegian fan who braved the snow and sub-zero temperatures of mid-winter league games. With a mixture of fluidity and zest reminiscent of the great Brazilians, Kakao was a vital ingredient in Freia SF's success in the early 70's. It's a fact that "totaalvoetbal" would not have become the leading force in world football if Kakao hadn't more or less disintegrated after colliding with Wim van Frieshmelk in a 1972 WC qualifier. The most gifted Japanese footballer in this 40-year period? Without question Miyamoto Usagi, the idiosyncratic midfield wanderer who played for Kitakyushu Steel. Between 1987 and 1991 I never gave his performances a rating lower than 7.23! Sadly, Usagi never recovered after the wily newcomer Takahito Kitsune "had him for breakfast" in a vital encounter. ============================================== [Note: other threads at the time included "Top 40 Brazilian strikers", "Top 36 Brazilian defenders", etc.] --------- Subject: The Top 206 Brazilian Bridge Players Date: Wed, 22 Apr 1998 17:37:19 -0500 From: Devin (firstname.lastname@example.org) #1 Giorgino Sampao #2 Flavio Herberto #3 Jiao Sao Paulo #4 ummm.......oh nevermind. ;-) ------------------------------------------------- Subject: Re: The Top 206 Brazilian Bridge Players Date: 22 Apr 1998 22:42:55 -0400 From: email@example.com (Kevin Cabral) Sampao is highly overrated. Ever since he came onto the world scene four years ago, he's done nothing but befuddle bridge players with his mental speed, agility, and strength; yet I can't help to think that there is something missing. Something special that cannot merely be defined by points. Any drunk gaucho can score points, especially against a weak defense that plays the bluffside-trap, but only a few can really be called Scorers. After all, the circus tricks of Sampao and to a lesser extent Sao Paulo can only get you so far. In the big matches, you need someone who can put the hand away with a simple move and finish; the sort of dependable utility that one can expect from a Scorer combined with the skill to occasionally pull off a scissor-shuffle or a well-balanced volley of the top card onto the draw pile. Unfortunately, I just don't see that in Sampao. Until he develops that ability he will NEVER be the best, no matter how many cheap "points" he scores.. BTW, when Sampao moved over to BS Ynneb I fully expected that his point-scoring ability would be severely limited by hard defense. I thought that his opposition would have *finally learned* by now that the way to stop him is to break, or at least bruise beyond the point of repair, his wrist. Thus I suppose I should admit my failure. Yet, it still remains a fact that no matter how many points Sampao scores in the best league in the world, or the World Championships these accomplishments are all mickey-mouse until he wins a Euro Championship. No matter how many points he scores, and no matter how many circus tricks he pulls off - it will hardly matter if he has'nt won an EC. ------------------------------------------------- Subject: Re: The Top 206 Brazilian Bridge Players Date: Wed, 22 Apr 1998 22:04:58 -0500 From: Devin (firstname.lastname@example.org) Again with this arrogant Euro-drivel? You know it works both ways. I'll believe that a so called superior European bridge player such as the much hailed Teddy Salad can really trump when he does it consistently in the Brazilian League. Lastly, when you underestimate Sampao, and the sheer brilliance and strength of his wrist, you are just asking for a letdown. ===================================== Subject: S.O.S. (Save Our Scalpers) (was Re: World Cup Tickets) Date: Thu, 30 Apr 1998 10:09:14 +0200 From: "St. Stig av Oppedal" (email@example.com) Organization: The City of Brotherly Love Steve Walker (firstname.lastname@example.org) wrote: > > "Geir Mjösund" (email@example.com) wrote: > > >I Got lots of tickets for the World Cup this summer > >[...] > >Send me an Email with your bid > > I hope you die a nasty horrible death before you can collect the money > you've made at the expense of genuine fans. Whatever happened to brotherly love? Whatever happened to humanitarianism? This unfortunate man begs us: "Send me an Email with your bid". As this is the third time we hear his moving plea, it is obvious that his anticipated "bidding war" has sadly failed to materialize. :-( Yet, though his tickets are clearly burning a hole in his pocket, causing him great discomfort, all we say to this poor wretch is "Die, scum, die"! Brothers and sisters, I have a dream. I have a dream of a kinder, gentler world, where football fans unite and don't try to rip each other off. I believe we all share this dream. However, it won't happen if only 10 or 20 of us follow up. So I'm talking to YOU. Yes, YOU. And I say: let us listen to this poor scalper. Let us reach out to him. Let us all send him an e-mail with our bids. Our Mission of Mercy --------------------- * Use a mere 30 seconds of your time and, as he requested, send a bid to Mr. Geir Mjösund at his verified e-address at firstname.lastname@example.org. NB! Do NOT send your bid to this newsgroup - we're not the ones in need! * No bids are, of course, binding, nor does your "reply-address" have to be 100% accurate. Feel free to send several seperate bids - the more the merrier! Indeed, feel a moral obligation to send "bids" to all scalpers who ask us for them. Let us be charitable! * Remember that your bids, in accordance with the prices at http://www.france98.com/english/index.html should be no higher than 145-350 FF. Preferably much, much less. Or perhaps frustrate his expectations with a 800 FF offer and a fake address? * Don't hesitate to form your bid in your local currency (baht, rupees, zlotys, whatever). Remember, this is help for self-help - let the scalper sweat a bit to find out that 1 million Turkish lira is actually about $10. Hey, you can even make up your own currency - or even your own country! Eg "I'll give you 50 Smithsonian institutes for 4 BRA-NOR tickets". Actually, since he hasn't made any specifications whatsoever, he probably won't mind if you offer a favor ("I bid 5 tango lessons for 2 ARG-CRO tickets), local goods ("I bid 7 1/2 bagpipe cleansers for 3 SCO-NOR tickets") or just some words of kindness ("I bid you farewell, please don't bother us again"). Let there be no doubt: this is serious. Let the scalpers know how much we appreciate them. Send in your bids NOW! ====================================== Subject: Re: The Argie wrong again => Re: Argentina > Brasil Date: Tue, 05 May 1998 08:51:28 -0400 From: Alex Mizuki (email@example.com) Ariel Mazzarelli wrote: > > [Argie ineptitude in the World Cup relative to BRASIL!!] > > Maracaná. Isn't it cute: A hispano trying to write in Portuguese. Let me give you a little lesson in the Lusitanian language: It is spelled: Maracanã (with a tilde) Now what's the difference between a tilde and an agudo(á)? Simple. One is pronounced like "Ah"(agudo) and the other "Uh"(tilde). Or more precisely: TILDE: Maracan(Uh?)-- As in Uh? why is the auriverde performing like such crap in a tune-up game in which the only true meaning is preparation for the World Cup? [April, 1998] AGUDO: Maracan(AAAAHHH!!) -- As in AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! sh*t!!, we just lost in the finals of the World Cup in front of 200,000 spectators!! [July, 1950] But even in the second case, things worked out for the better: Brasil finally won its first World Cup in 1958. And 40 years down the road, enjoys a World Cup record twice of what Argentina has. What's really impressive about Brasil's World Cup record is that a country with half its achievements -- Argentina -- is number FOUR! So, a FOUR finger salute to all Argies to remind you of your ranking and how many World Cup titles your beloved rivals have. Next Lesson: How to count in Portuguese. Here's a preview: .......One (58), Two (62), Three(70), FOUR (94) .......Uno (58), Dos (62), Tres (70), CUATRO (94) .......Um (58), Dois (62), Treis(70), QUATRO (94) ============================ Subject: Patada of the Week Date: 3 May 1998 02:44:01 -0700 From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Ariel Mazzarelli) Maracana, Brasil-Argentina. Leonardo comes in a substitute to try to revive a moribund Brasil, and five minutes later he decides to do his elbow thing on Simeone. Simeone sees it coming and is able to fend it off by putting up his hands to block the blow. He then proceeds to recount the complicated structure of Leonardo's family tree to the worldwide audience, while Leonardo quickly runs back without facing him. Those who know Simeone know that it is not a good idea to provoke him. He is a hard but fair player, and in his code of fairness there is an extensive section covering the topic of protection through retaliation. Sensing this reality, Leonardo disappears from any part of the game that is within shouting distance of Simeone, which is more or less the whole field. Only Edmundo, in his finite wisdom, decides to occasionally stimulate Simeone further; Simeone caresses his cheek, perhaps reminding him of Zandona, and plays on masterfully without coming anywhere near a yellow card. Some twenty minutes later, Argentina is leading 1-0 and there are two minutes left in the game, when Junior Baiano--whose behavior had been quite correct throughout the game--is presented with the bill for Leonardo's overdue account. As he goes to fetch a complicated ball, Simeone beats him to it from behind. With his forward leg outstretched, Simeone taps the ball away with the foot; with the back leg forming an "L", he delivers a compact blow to the supporting leg of JB, on the Achilles tendon. Since Simeone has lessened the danger of the maneuver by using his shin rather than his shoe to deliver the blow, since the referee remembers the Leonardo incident--and as an additional factor, since he is European--the color of Simeone's card is yellow. The rest of the Brasilian team walks around in a daze, going nowhere near Simeone and barely even paying attention to JB's pain. One wonders what kind of conversation will take place between Leonardo and JB when they recount this incident. Huevos, profound justice, perfect patience, understanding of the referee, and classical technique are all present in this canonical patada. ============================== Subject: Re: Post of the Week Date: Thu, 07 May 1998 12:31:24 GMT From: email@example.com (Alan Douglas) firstname.lastname@example.org (Brenjo1) wrote: >I hate your soccer crap!!! Expect the number of such posts to increase dramatically . The latest news for those "in the know" is that AOL has resorted to drastic means to enlarge its customer-base. Fearful that Web TV is gobbling up too much of the lucrative idiot market, AOL is now resorting to bioligical weapons! Each AOL disk or CD is now coated with a genetically engineered bacteria that eats away living brain tissue. Once touched by human flesh, the bacteria is activated, invades the body, and very quickly reduces the person's intelligence. The idea is that before they can put the AOL disk/CD down, they have become so stupid that they think, "hey, I should sign up for this!" By the time they're on AOL, they've become so totally dimwitted that they would have no hope of ever being able to figure out how to unsubscribe or cancel their payments. The only flaw in the plan is that often the bacteria goes too far and the people become so dumb that they cannot earn a living and end up penniless and on the streets. Go to the downtown core of any major US city, and you will find an ever-increasing number of demented homeless people shouting "I HAVE MAIL! I HAVE MAIL!" According to my sources, AOL stole the bacteria from secret US government research labs which developed it for the Republican party during their last term in office. The Republican plan was to infect college students with the bacteria, so as to increase the number of voters for their party. The AOL programers had tried to hack into the research lab computers to download the data in total secret, but couldn't figure out how to use a simple terminal program that didn't talk or have cute icons, and so they just ended up driving a pick-up truck through the back door. I understand that Major League Baseball is also very interested in the bactreriaf, and plans to inject it into the beer and hot dogs that are served at soccer games. They figure if you like beer or hot dogs and are sufficiently stupid, then you'll go watch baseball. As is usually the case with such evil ploys, the bacteria was tested out on a number of unsuspecting people, such as the OJ Simpson jury, all the guests of the Jerry Springer show, Real Madrid's bank manager, and 95% of all the people who honestly think that pro wrestling is for real . And of course, Sepp Blatter. ============================= Subject: [R] Chile - Uruguay Date: 25 May 1998 00:40:00 GMT From: email@example.com (Marcelo Weinberger) In Santiago, Chile: Chile 2 (Zamorano, Salas) Uruguay 2 (Olivera, Zalayeta) >From what I gathered, the game started with the Uruguayan players getting to know each other. At the 10th minute it was funny to see Diego Lopez (Racing Santander) greet his fellow defender Paolo Montero; "Hey, Paolo! When did you arrive? We didn't expect you, we saw you on TV at the EC final!" and Montero's answer: "Who are you? Diego who?" 'C'mon Paolo, we played together 5 months ago in Saudi Arabia!" "Oh, yeah! And who is this guy playing left fullback?" "Apparently his name is Gastan; Adinolfi is not here because Pen~arol didn't release their players. But beware, here come Salas and Zamorano!" Up front the situation was equally surprising. Especially when Correa (15 goals this season with Racing Santander) complained that Nico Olivera didn't want to pass to him. "I keep saying "here Nico" and the black guy doesn't even look at me." "Of course - replied Mendez, who knew the group from the King Fahd Cup - this is not Nico, this is Zalayeta! Don't you know the black guy from the TV close-ups at Juve's bench? Nico is on the bench, he said that he got used to that in Valencia and he actually likes it." "Ah, negro! Mucho gusto, la rompiste en Malasia, guacho!" When the greeting ceremony was over, Chile was already 2-0 up. The situation didn't look good, especially when early in the second half Magallanes (relegated with Atalanta to Serie B) decided that he didn't want to take part of this carnage and asked the ref to send him off. So the score was 0-2, playing with 10 men away to a team that is preparing for the WC... By then, Nico Olivera decided that he wanted to play after all. He saw that Zalayeta was there and he remembered that they had lots of fun together in Malaysia last year. After a few minutes on the field, penalty on him. He takes it, and it's 2-1. With 9 minutes to go, he escapes down the right wing, sees Zalayeta coming on the center and says "Tuya, negro!" for an easy tap-in goal (I'm sure Benny would love it!). =============================================== Subject: Re: Real Madrid is the KING of kings. Date: 30 May 1998 03:18:00 -0700 From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Ariel Mazzarelli) Robert Chapman (email@example.com) dixit: > firstname.lastname@example.org wrote: > >> Well most definetely if there is one team that can compare to the legend and >> greatness of Real Madrid it's got to be an english one and most precisely >> Nottingham Forest. I still remember when Robin Hood was their center >> forward. > >Don't we all. Quite a stylish player, excellent at stealing the ball >although he kept giving it away again. But don't forget they also had >'the Sheriff' in goal. And lest we forget, the predecessor of Di Menticato, a fearsome fullback named Little John; he originated the motto "the player or the ball may pass, but not both". Forest's striker was a poacher in the finest Benny tradition, Friar Tuck. He looked like a saint, but he did not forgive. His bulbous shape--it seems he "suffered" from a case of gluttony--lulled the opposition into a false sense of security. His most famous golazo was in an FA cup final where, so the story goes, he scored by punching the ball over the goalkeeper, which was missed by the referee because he thought Tuck was giving absolution to the goalkeeper. The weak link in Forest was the trainer, King John. Ineffectual, cowardly and a bit on the ugly side. He had trouble gaining the respect of his players after the rumor had spread that he had engineered the firing of his own brother Richard so as to replace him as the trainer. After a crisis erupted and the club was staring relegation in the face, Nottingham had to pay a princely sum to snatch Richard back from the continental club that had his signature on an ironclad contract. Of course, the game was different in those days. Players were routinely ambushed by their adversaries, thus placing their family jewels at risk. Referees were usually bribed or threatened into making dubious calls. Naturally, the stands were filled with drunken hooligans. Forest usually won thanks to the deadly accuracy on free kicks by Hood. There is a tale, possibly apocryphal, that Hood once won a big bet (her name was Marian) from the Sheriff by taking a free kick from 25 meters, over the wall, with comba, and hitting another ball that was hung from the crossbar. The Sheriff did not take this very well, and only after the return of Richard did the club regain its harmonious play. =============================================== Subject: Top 10 reasons why Iran will beat USA Date: 2 Jun 1998 18:10:21 GMT From: email@example.com 10- Reading the date of their match 21/6/98, the Americans cannot figure out what is the 21st month!! 9- Citing the success of the Aussies against Iran, US hires Terry Venables to advise them on how to preserve a possible lead in the game. 8- Half the US starting line-up gives up their US citizenships and return to their native countries. 7- Lalas's goatee gets tangled up with Balboa's pony tail. 6- US players are playing soccer because they couldn't throw, catch, hit, pitch or dunk! 5- US players don't have any beer comercials. 4- No cheerleader on the sidelines. 3- Nobody in their country cares what they do. 2- Michael Jordan is playing basketball. 1- To boost their morale, Monika Lewinsky visits the US team before the game. ========================================================= Subject: The REAL Top 10 Reasons the USA Will Beat Iran Date: Fri, 05 Jun 1998 11:16:42 GMT From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Alan Douglas) >From the branch office in Burnaby, British Columbia: Top 10 Reasons the USA Will Beat Iran ------------------------------------- 10. Lalas dies his beard and hair black -- convinces Iran he's the Ayatollah. 9. Just before the game, Ali Daei reveals that he is really an American spy planted in Iran and changes sides to play for the US. 8. Just before the game, Mike Burns reveals that he is really an Iranian spy planted in the US and changes sides to play for Iran. 7. Iranian players all put their backs out trying to use the bidets properly, while the Americans just used them as drinking fountains. 6. God is with the Americans, as His US citizenship was rushed through the day before. 5. "We're not going to let a country run by that maniac Saddam Hussein beat us. We'll make scud-meat out of them. We'll pound them all the way back to Baghdad. We'll... we'll... wait a sec, which one is Iran again?" 4. Wynalda yells "look, there's Salman Rushdie in the crowd" and when all the Iranian players rush into the stands to carry out the death sentence, the US scores. 3. Iranians all distracted trying to drill for oil in McBride's hair. 2. "I am Claudio Reyna; you imprisoned our embassy staff; prepare to die!" And the Number One Reason the USA Will Beat Iran: 1. Six words: the ref is from the Maldives.